othellovonryan | (no subject)

[Oh no, this is a cute brother. He can have one (1) pat on the shell. She's not trying to extricate herself, she's not averse to the contact.]

We've talked, and laughed. Played Machine Strike. Just, we also have to get ready to keep a malevolent collection of AI consciousnesses from wiping out life. Again.

I mean, who hasn't had to do that sometimes?

That's a good sign! Now you just need to be able to let yourself call it friendship, because its important to be able to verbalize it. [Where did the glasses and sweater suddenly come from?]

Donatello gets it.

[Wait where DID the glasses and sweater come from. Curse these eyes.]

People usually seem to read me pretty well, though.

To be fair, Mikey is also there for that.

Its good for YOU to verbalize it. Donnie gets it.

Unfortunately, he does have a point.

[Squinting at Donnie. Traitor.]

Feel free to demonstrate.

[He raises an eyebrow.]

I like you and I think we should be friends.

....when I'm done trying to throw people into a bunker.

...I'm looking forward to you finishing trying to throw people into a bunker.

I think you're clever, and would enjoy a friend who knows his way around machines.

I am too, I'm really not a fan of it when I'm not a self destructive rampage.

I am quite clever and you have fascinating ideas, and its always nice to meet a fellow scavenger with taste.

[GLANCING AT MIKEY FOR APPROVAL]

[Mikey is giving thumbs up and a wide smile.] An excellent first step. Also if you ever want hugs, just ask Raph, he gives some of the best hugs.

I have sensory issues, so its variable.

I'll, uh, keep that in mind.

[Raph is big. But he seems a little pointy for hugs?]

You always seemed alert to me.

I know he looks pointy, but Raph is an expert at not poking people.

Raph does indeed give hugs like a pro. Even for humans.

And of course I'm alert. Observation is one of my best skills.

Edited 2023-02-20 22:44 (UTC)

I just have to verbalize what I want from him, is that it?

He knows to respect personal space. Like he checks in with me a lot because he can't always tell by a glance if its a good or bad day.

We could all use a skill like that.

[She clears her throat.]

Anyway, how are those files loading?

They're loaded, I was just distracted.

Raph or dad first?

Me too. Let’s start with Raphael.

Name: Raphael "Raph" "Red" Hamato

Age: 17 (15 as a mutant, debatable he was alive two years as a turtle. I think dad just guessed our ages based on size.)

Height: 183cm/6 foot

Favorite Color: Red

Always a good gift: Plushies. Favors teddy bears. Rabbits are PRANK GIFT only.

[*Then there are SO MANY OTHER NOTES about things Raph likes and dislikes, various other statistics, things like he wears a retainer to bed, is allergic to peanuts, the best ways to perch on his back without getting poked by spikes, he loves doing pirate accents and they're delightful, how often he sheds his scales and scutes, how he should keep his shell clean, A LOT OF STUFF THAT IS HEADCANON THAT I AIN'T GONNA BUG DANI ABOUT, just assume there is a stupid amount of Random Information About Raph based on his physical statistics and personality notes. There's also a subject called Scientific Observation that might be come across as a lot more cold and clinical than one expects directed at their own family, but Donnie is Like That.*]

Team: Robin's Egg

Objectives: Fully trust teammates (I don't count), seek out emotional support (he's been working on it, but I do appreciate more material to talk him into it), planning ahead (maybe I can make a less irksome version of the helmet?)

Taboos: Isolation, self-sacrifice, downplaying struggle (THANK YOU. Sometimes these taboos are rude, but some really are good for encouraging good behaviors.)

Cultist Thoughts: Mutated alligator snapping turtle. Distinctive snaggletooth. Minor scarring, damage to shell + plastron. Anxious and volatile. (He's not THAT volatile.)

Safety Notes: DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITHOUT WARNING. DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITHOUT WARNING. DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITHOUT WARNING ESPECIALLY IN SITUATIONS THAT ARE HIGH STRESS SITUATIONS. HAVE RAPH GRADE SEDATIVES ON HAND AT ALL TIMES.

He is sensitive about his eye and mind control. Handle such subjects with as much care as possible.

Hidden City Notes: The police have a nasty habit of thinking he looks like CLEARLY DIFFERENT yokai criminals. You would think yokai would be more used to having massive teenagers considering the amount of different types amongst their own and would stop trying to throw a teenager into prison, especially when he's done nothing wrong. Maybe I should look into yokai politics. Its unlikely humans are going to become accepting of mutants on a wide scale, but I could make things easier for the other three in the Hidden City. Who knows, maybe there will be some weird law I can use to make amends with Witch Town, but unlikely with how the justice system treats Raph.

Ninpo: Raph is able to create energy constructs of his own body with varying sizes from simply a little larger than himself, usually preferring gauntlets, to several stories tall. I wonder what his limit is if we really juiced him up with the ninpo? He is able to add extra limbs at least temporarily and is able to send the constructs away from his body. He can alter the colors to make them temporary clones who are able to mimic his voice. There may be options for combo attacks considering their physical nature?

Validation Source: He isn't a parent, but his approval has always mattered and now he's upping it to be a MENACE. Its nice, but I am not sure I am prepared for the emotional terrorism. Still, I should also up his validation. He deserves to feel more supported.

Analysis: If Leo and I are the most similar, and Mikey is the one I get along with best, Raph is the one I understand the easiest. It took time to realize, but I think it was when he said 'tests are easy, answers are hard.' It was such a simple, but brilliant statement and I realized that it was often the case. Raph may not be as smart as me, but really, who is as smart as me, but I find his logic easy to understand. Perhaps its why I have always done well to work with him on plans, we can follow each others logic, even if he doesn't always get the more complicated things I may do. I know what to say that tells him what he needs to know for him to act.

It does lead to a sense of guilt, then, that I missed as much as I did. We've always known Raph was a more reliable caretaker than dad. Not that dad wasn't trying, but we knew Raph would be there. He would take care of any problems. There were certainly times where he might as well have been the dad. I wonder how much of a relief it was, when we realized how much of a technical genius I was, and could help make things easier around the lair? That Raph didn't have to take care of our actual health AND keep us from realizing how bad things some days got with idle distractions.

Its weird, feeling like its only natural to rely on Raph as we always have, but also realizing that it wasn't fair to Raph. It makes me happy that we still can enjoy doing dumb teenager things, and he relishes it just as much as we do. He deserves that. He deserves to be his age. He deserves to feel like our brother and not our caretaker.

Raph was a good leader. Is still a good leader, but I think dad was right to make him not the leader, though I don't know if he did it for the right reasons. He may have saw Leo's potential and wanted him to grow, though he certainly could have handled it better. Leo deserves a chance to realize his potential, but Raph certainly deserved a conversation about it so he didn't doubt himself. He was good at the job, but I think a chance without the pressure would be good for him. Or at least not be the only one with the pressure. Trust and be trusted in turn, that ever important lesson.

Though the least I can do now is try to be some sense of safety for him. I'm not sure how exactly I've managed it, but I've found I can usually get him to slow down, to take a few minutes to breathe. Maybe its all the security systems I've made, or maybe its because I put in the effort and that's enough of a train response to make an impact.

I want to try and keep being that. I think maybe I have been lax in my duties as a good brother, leaving all the emotional support to the others. I know I'm not good at it, but especially with it just being the three of us, I need to put in more work. They both deserve that from me.

I've always admired how strong Raph could be. That he could take care of us, that he could keep going despite everything. That he can have his temper and still choose to be a kind and good person. That he could always make things feel safer just by being there. Though that hasn't been a surprise for a long time.

There was only time where he felt like a threat and that was when we were kids, but it was also the time where I knew how safe he was. When he fell on my shell with his shell during a game. I've felt worst pains in recent years, but for the longest time, that had been the worst pain. It had been terrifying, finally realizing just how much more vulnerable I was than my brothers. But I can still remember all the foam on the end of his spikes, how devastated he looked, where even my subpar ability to read emotions could see it. How terrified he was that I would hate him forever for hurting me. I knew then if I choose to be angry and afraid of him, that he would never forgive himself.

I hated that thought more than any pain I felt. I knew then that Raph would never stand to hurt us, at least nothing beyond the usual rough housing of brothers. It wasn't something he was capable of being able to do and be okay. I wanted to make his own self fear and anger go away, even if I wasn't fully okay at the time. Though upon hanging out after that, he gave me the inspiration for the battleshell. An early sign of similar A to B logic problem solving.

He's one of the most important people in my life. I would do anything for him. I want to make the world better for him like he always made it better for us. I want to make us safer so he doesn't have to worry as much. I want to encourage him so he doesn't feel like being given a break is some kind of failing on his part. I want him to know that just because we're all messed up, it isn't his fault. He deserves to feel taken care of.

I could keep him safe. It wouldn't be hard to make the bunker Raph proof. Raph won't do anything to hurt others, and so long as any smashing out risked collapse, he won't do it. He's situationally aware enough to notice before any significant damage is done.

Raph is one of the best people I know. One of the most good people I know. I know if I want to do the right thing, I should think of what Raph would do and that is usually the case. I don't know how he has such compassion and a strong moral compass, but its truly impressive. Sometimes I try to be like him just so I can center my morals to something more socially acceptable. I want to do whatever is necessary to keep him from having to compromise his morals. I can do that much. Or at least try to. This place may try to push it, but at least if we're on the same team, I have a better shot of protecting him.

In conclusion, I couldn't ask for a better big brother. I love him more than anything, and I hope I can make him feel as loved as he deserves, especially for all the hard work he's put in for us.

*Also there's like....probably hundreds of archived pages, BUT*

[Taking her time to read, and. Oh boy that recontextualizes why Contingency/protectiveness was modeled after Raph.]

You can rely on him...

[Sometimes you strongly associate things with your brothers and that's just how you build up certain mental pathways to help you be a better person.]

Yes. Better than anyone else.

You should probably delete that bunker paragraph, if you can. But...this is good. I'm glad you have him. And that you've found a few ways to get a little weight off his shoulders, too.

I can't delete it myself yet. That's the Corruption influence. You can though.

I'm working on it, at least.

[A beat, and then she'll nod.]

How do I do it?

You can use the keyboard. Select the section and you can just hit backspace.

I can do that.

[She’ll have to hunt and peck at keys, but it’s a very decisive press when she finds the backspace key.]

Easy.

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