othellovonryan | (no subject)

(no subject)

Noise

It starts as just irritation. A metaphorical crawling under your skin. Things are too noisy, too bright, there is too much happening all the time and you can't take it all in-

Then silence it, make it yours, make it you, take control and destroy what will not submit

It sounds so inviting, a freedom from the noise, but its wrong, its wrong, its wrong and the noise is getting louder, mechanical and foreboding as it sees you, it knows you are there, and it wants to make you apart of it.

Anatawa hitorijanai

For a moment, there is quiet.

You breathe.

And fall through water.

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I love dad.

As much as the Foot Clan has brought us trauma, and saving the world has been difficult, I find I can never fully regret these events, even with the trauma involved. If not for these incidents, we may have never learned dad's history. About him being Lou Jitsu, being a human, that he ran way from being Hamato Yoshi. That he had been kidnapped by Big Mama for years to fight in her Battle Nexus. If we had never learned the history of the Hamato's, we would have never learned all the things that dad had been dealing with.

Dad has been dealing with so much trauma. I understood that conceptually, but the new trauma makes it clear just how hard it is to deal with. There are certainly things I don't talk about. Things I don't think about. Things I run from because I don't know how to deal with them.

Dad's been dealing with so much on his own, of course he messed up. Of course he faltered. Of course he struggled. Its always been difficult, just living in our small world. With just our family and April alone, but at the very least we never had it before. Dad had the entire world and then he lost it all. He was no safer with humans than us. I shudder to think what kind of state I would be in if my family hadn't been as understanding of my difficulties as they were, and that was just mental issues. Dad had trauma and no support until Raph and I could take some of the load.

When it came to dad, for the longest time I had forgotten the most important thing when it came to my family.

I need to meet them halfway.

Dad had ignored me, but after the derby, I realized it had been a long time since I had reached out to him as well. I think dad hadn't really thought we'd want to hang out with him. He had been shocked at the derby when I accused him of not wanting to spend time with us. He had seen it as so natural to believe he would want to. He had shown this kind of behavior before. He had thought a hug wasn't an acceptable reward for returning the DVD. I think he realized there was something off about that as hugs were more common after that.

I think, perhaps, dad and I have a lot more in common than I thought for years.

Dad is a selfish person. He wants his glory. He wants his material possessions. He wants so many things that he feels he can't have anymore and craves some connection back to it. But he also wants to keep us. He wants to love us. He wants the best for us. I think dad isn't the inherent good that is Raph or Leo or Mikey. I think he's an inherently better person than me when it comes to morals, but dad is someone who can choose to do bad things and not be eaten alive by the guilt. He choose to evil the Hamatos behind, he refused to sacrifice his life for the world. He enjoyed the glory of the Battle Nexus, but as the Champion, at least some of those battles had to have been to the death and not all who take part do so by choice. He wanted to be a movie star for his own fame, but he also chose to be a character who defended the weak, fought with honor, and had overall good moral character.

Dad wants to be a good person. He wants to be happy. He wants to keep the people important to him.

His family is the most important thing to him.

Selfish people and sometimes the world is too much for us to deal with.

That's how we're alike.

I don't regret my choice, all those years ago, when I decided to hold dad accountable when he hurts us with an active choice, over the times when he shuts out the world and thus us. I know the others know on some level dad has done wrong by us in the past, but I don't think any of them have ever had the nerve to really tell dad that. Because everytime I have fought dad and had a valid point, he's always altered the behavior.

Even after he told us his past after the confrontation with the Foot Clan, it was only after the derby that dad started reaching out more to all of us. Just like I realized I needed to reach out to him, he realized he needed to do so to. I'm glad he did. He still has his days where he's not dealing with the world, but he seems happier now. I think because now he doesn't have to hide things from us, and that there's more people in our lives, so he doesn't have to feel like he has to hold it all himself.

And in understanding his past, and our past, its clear how much dad loves us. Of course he chose us over the world, more than once, but even at the start.

I have met people here who were children made to be weapons. Soldiers, used for some greater purpose by someone who was going for what they thought was the best thing for the world. I have seen the damage in them. And if I can understand they're greatly hurt, I can only imagine how deep that hurt truly is.

That would have been us. Perhaps Draxum would have gained some affection for us, we may not have had it as bad as the others just because he would have at least some personal investment in us, but he would not be as 'nice' as he is now without the gratitude and threat Mikey was able to present the day he decided to help Draxum. Draxum, unfortunately, I understand too well. He would have been too focus on the greater purpose to have ever stopped pursuing that goal without being forced to. We would have always been warriors first to Draxum, and only maybe children a distant second.

Dad had heard what our fate would be, and he refused it for us. Children did not deserve to be treated like that and he saved us. He raised us as kids first, as sons, from the very start. He didn't give us to yokai, not when it meant Draxum would have found us. He chose to dedicate his life to us, without even knowing what we would be like. I still have vague memories when the others started talking and he had been so shocked at the time. He never knew what he was going to get from us. He didn't know if we could talk, or if we would ever act like kids, that we wouldn't be some monsters because we were made for war.

He just saw children. He treated us as children. He tried so hard to be the best dad he could be, all on his own, and he made mistakes, so many mistakes, but he never stopped trying. He's still trying. Everytime he realizes he messes up, he tries harder the next time to not do so. He's more free with affection, more free with support, more free with believing in us. He even lets us do hero work, because we choose to do it, even though it was clear he wasn't exactly happy about it the first time he heard about it.

Dad is always trying his best. He's not perfect, but he loves us so much.

He chose to doom the world to save our lives. He didn't know it was a fight we could win, and he still chose us.

Dad loves us.

Dad loves me.

Dad is always trying his best.

And I can help, by letting him know when he hurts us. Its not fair that I do as his kid, but our situation is a mess, and I can make peace taking this responsibility because I want dad to be able to reach out to us and I want to reach out to him.

He did his best with limited resources, so I can do this much for him.

Dad loves me.

I love him.

And as long as we can keep reaching out to each other, we might hurt each other, but I think we'll be okay.

[She reads.

Rereads, reaching out to the words for certain passages.. When she speaks, it’s very quiet.]

Some of the data is corrupted. Do you need me to clear some of it?

No.

Unless the text is pink, I won't allow any alteration to the dossiers for my family.

[No flinching for the initial reaction - that’s fair. It’s why she asked, instead of just barging ahead with trying to do it. A single nod.]

I’m sorry about the hurt. But I’m glad you have love.

....dad is a complicated thing.

But he loves us. That's certain.

I'm sure one day we'll all get the nerve to actually talk about the hurt.

Maybe.

I always thought it was easy to stand up to Rost. It - might get easier, once you’ve started.

Its less a stand up thing, because dad HAS gotten better about not freezing us out.

As just...addressing the hurts.

I can’t imagine holding onto it. It would burn me up.

I wouldn't say I'm holding on to it. Its just...

Its a scar. Not actively bleeding out, but its left its mark.

And even with that, one of the first things you list are gifts.

I find a lot of families that don’t appreciate their bonds. But I guess I’ve never really seen a family that has that love, and has to deal with the scars.

Of course. Gifts are important.

You haven't known me long, and you haven't known me at all without a Corrupting influence in the mix, but its...

Difficult.

To express myself when it comes to emotions.

Here, I can be honest and straight forward because so much of that is tied up into my physical body. Here, either I understand what I'm feeling, or I don't and it goes into The Pit until I do.

But outside, words get caught in my throat, meanings get jumbled, things get lost all the time. Even if I know what I feel, what I want to say, it doesn't always come out, no matter what I do.

But gifts? Gifts I can do. If I can't get the words, I can show people I care. Show I pay attention. That I want them to be happy and at least some of the meaning gets through.

I don't always know how to talk to dad, but I know what I can give him when I struggle with the words.

Family is the most important thing to the Hamato. Even to do. He wouldn't be the mess he was if he didn't love them so deeply. Sometimes things get in the way. Life gets complicated. People hurt each other without meaning to.

But being family, real family, is trying even after you've made mistakes.

You’ve had corruption this entire time?

[Frowns a little, but not going to be hard on not realizing. Apparently, she didn’t have anything to compare him to.]

[She really didn't.]

Yes.

Discretion was better for my plans, so acting like a suspicious person wasn't very productive.

It does make for a very weird dossier for you since I was debating if I wanted to be invested enough to kidnap you.

You were pulling it off.

[Snorts. There’s some irony there.]

Used to be there wouldn’t be a debate. Might be interesting to see.

I am a ninja.

Its a lot of pink, but you can look if you want.

Let’s do it. It wouldn’t be the first time I had to correct some ideas about me.

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