(no subject)

[othellovonryan]

Noise

It starts as just irritation. A metaphorical crawling under your skin. Things are too noisy, too bright, there is too much happening all the time and you can't take it all in-

Then silence it, make it yours, make it you, take control and destroy what will not submit

It sounds so inviting, a freedom from the noise, but its wrong, its wrong, its wrong and the noise is getting louder, mechanical and foreboding as it sees you, it knows you are there, and it wants to make you apart of it.

Anatawa hitorijanai

For a moment, there is quiet.

You breathe.

And fall through water.

Comments

Re: Music

[othellovonryan]

Analysis: When asked to choose the world or to choose us, dad choose us. This is the most important thing to always remember about dad. When he is asked to choose us or something else, he chooses us everytime. Anytime he doesn't seem to choose us, its because he didn't see it as an either or situation. Never forget this. This is the most important fact to always remember, no matter how much he has hurt me.

Dad was an enigma for the longest time. A shady past he hid away. We knew we were mutants, of course, but he never wanted to explain how we came to be. He made sure we knew how to keep safe, to not reveal ourselves needlessly to the world, that we were different even if he made sure to never give us lesser than or monster issues. It was clear that dad never wanted to talk about the before times. The closest he ever came to was things about the Hamato, a generalized history, but he was often distracted from specifics. Perhaps we should have suspected his human origins that he had a last name and family history, but we were kids.

Oddly, it was his Depression that was easier to understand. At least I'm pretty sure that is what it is. Not that we had a name for it growing up, but it was much like me. Sometimes the world was too much for dad and he just needed time where he didn't have the ability to interact or acknowledge it, much like I did. He gave clear signs of this and we knew to give him the space, as painful as it had been when we were young. But its also clear he fought to keep it to a minimum when we were young, before we figured out my ability with technology. He definitely got worse as we were older. I'm not sure if this is because it did get worse, if he was just being worn out from years, or simply because he knew Raph and I could be relied on for the homestead.

After a certain point it became clear Raph was the more reliable caretaker. It hurt to realize that, and it felt almost like dad got tired of us. It felt like a while that maybe he didn't care for us much at all anymore. Or at least that he didn't care about me. There came long stretches of time where dad and I didn't have any personal conversations or him acknowledging me outside the group that didn't involve the television or an argument.

It hurt.