Donatello "the air bud of war crimes" Hamato (
othellovonryan) wrote2023-02-11 05:10 pm
(no subject)
Noise
It starts as just irritation. A metaphorical crawling under your skin. Things are too noisy, too bright, there is too much happening all the time and you can't take it all in-
It sounds so inviting, a freedom from the noise, but its wrong, its wrong, its wrong and the noise is getting louder, mechanical and foreboding as it sees you, it knows you are there, and it wants to make you apart of it.
For a moment, there is quiet.
You breathe.
And fall through water.
It starts as just irritation. A metaphorical crawling under your skin. Things are too noisy, too bright, there is too much happening all the time and you can't take it all in-
Then silence it, make it yours, make it you, take control and destroy what will not submit
It sounds so inviting, a freedom from the noise, but its wrong, its wrong, its wrong and the noise is getting louder, mechanical and foreboding as it sees you, it knows you are there, and it wants to make you apart of it.
Anatawa hitorijanai
For a moment, there is quiet.
You breathe.
And fall through water.

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And typing is a wonder for efficient info managing.
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You know, it doesn’t seem like he’s that pressured when I talk to him.
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That sort of thing has to normalize eventually or he would just implode. [Mikey throwing that in.]
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Am I Raphael, to Beta?
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[So, can't really one-to-one on that metric.]
She recorded a note for me. In case.
[She takes a moment, recollecting.]
"You've been my shelter. And I would risk it all again to be by your side. I know you'll find a way forward. That's what you do."
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You might get there. The shelter feel is very important, but you should probably try to avoid the parentification stress.
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...I'm glad you don't seem to be in an apocalypse timeline.
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We averted that. Thanks to time travel.
And the trauma.
[He points to the remains of Kraang tentacles in the far corners.]
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So that's where they came from...
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Some other stuff...
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I suppose...time for your father.
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Age: He says 38, but he's really [His actual age here which is like around 60 at least or something since Donnie would have access to this information, but I'm not doing that math right now]
Height: 92cm/3 foot
Favorite Color: I think it might actually be yellow? Or orange? Grey is good for association in group gifts.
Always a good gift: DVDs for his shows. More traditional things from Japan, he does have some sentiment for home. Anything with sentiment usually gets to him. Anything that lets him be lazy.
[*Much like Raph, there is a whole bunch of OTHER PERSONAL INFORMATION I AIN'T HEADCANNONING. Likes, dislikes, favorite shows, medical information, other random observations that sound more like scientific observation then a family member because that's how Donnie do.*]
Safety Notes: Refer to Rat Flu Emergency Plan Alpha for the most up to date version, but keep Epsilon and Gamma for being the most effective so far. Whenever his robe is replaced, burn the old one.
Hidden City Notes: Lou Jitsu is recognized in the Hidden City and was allowed to roam while he was a champion. Perhaps investigate more of that time to understand the breadth of what father went through. Always be careful of Big Mama potentially trying something when dad is there, but at least the police aren't after him.
Ninpo: Dad has not shown any individual mystic powers. He was able to access the ninpo, but unknown if he was able to when he was younger. Its likely he wasn't, considering how he never brought it up before hand. If he had any training, he probably could not retain much information about it. Though there was perhaps some passive usage considering his physical strength and ability as a fighter even when he was human. Not that Hamato training is to be underestimated, but considering his lack of regard for his duty, it is curious how much ability he was able to achieve.
No Bonding Time Record: 278 Days.
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Dad was an enigma for the longest time. A shady past he hid away. We knew we were mutants, of course, but he never wanted to explain how we came to be. He made sure we knew how to keep safe, to not reveal ourselves needlessly to the world, that we were different even if he made sure to never give us lesser than or monster issues. It was clear that dad never wanted to talk about the before times. The closest he ever came to was things about the Hamato, a generalized history, but he was often distracted from specifics. Perhaps we should have suspected his human origins that he had a last name and family history, but we were kids.
Oddly, it was his Depression that was easier to understand. At least I'm pretty sure that is what it is. Not that we had a name for it growing up, but it was much like me. Sometimes the world was too much for dad and he just needed time where he didn't have the ability to interact or acknowledge it, much like I did. He gave clear signs of this and we knew to give him the space, as painful as it had been when we were young. But its also clear he fought to keep it to a minimum when we were young, before we figured out my ability with technology. He definitely got worse as we were older. I'm not sure if this is because it did get worse, if he was just being worn out from years, or simply because he knew Raph and I could be relied on for the homestead.
After a certain point it became clear Raph was the more reliable caretaker. It hurt to realize that, and it felt almost like dad got tired of us. It felt like a while that maybe he didn't care for us much at all anymore. Or at least that he didn't care about me. There came long stretches of time where dad and I didn't have any personal conversations or him acknowledging me outside the group that didn't involve the television or an argument.
It hurt.
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I love dad.
As much as the Foot Clan has brought us trauma, and saving the world has been difficult, I find I can never fully regret these events, even with the trauma involved. If not for these incidents, we may have never learned dad's history. About him being Lou Jitsu, being a human, that he ran way from being Hamato Yoshi. That he had been kidnapped by Big Mama for years to fight in her Battle Nexus. If we had never learned the history of the Hamato's, we would have never learned all the things that dad had been dealing with.
Dad has been dealing with so much trauma. I understood that conceptually, but the new trauma makes it clear just how hard it is to deal with. There are certainly things I don't talk about. Things I don't think about. Things I run from because I don't know how to deal with them.
Dad's been dealing with so much on his own, of course he messed up. Of course he faltered. Of course he struggled. Its always been difficult, just living in our small world. With just our family and April alone, but at the very least we never had it before. Dad had the entire world and then he lost it all. He was no safer with humans than us. I shudder to think what kind of state I would be in if my family hadn't been as understanding of my difficulties as they were, and that was just mental issues. Dad had trauma and no support until Raph and I could take some of the load.
When it came to dad, for the longest time I had forgotten the most important thing when it came to my family.
I need to meet them halfway.
Dad had ignored me, but after the derby, I realized it had been a long time since I had reached out to him as well. I think dad hadn't really thought we'd want to hang out with him. He had been shocked at the derby when I accused him of not wanting to spend time with us. He had seen it as so natural to believe he would want to. He had shown this kind of behavior before. He had thought a hug wasn't an acceptable reward for returning the DVD. I think he realized there was something off about that as hugs were more common after that.
I think, perhaps, dad and I have a lot more in common than I thought for years.
Dad is a selfish person. He wants his glory. He wants his material possessions. He wants so many things that he feels he can't have anymore and craves some connection back to it. But he also wants to keep us. He wants to love us. He wants the best for us. I think dad isn't the inherent good that is Raph or Leo or Mikey. I think he's an inherently better person than me when it comes to morals, but dad is someone who can choose to do bad things and not be eaten alive by the guilt. He choose to evil the Hamatos behind, he refused to sacrifice his life for the world. He enjoyed the glory of the Battle Nexus, but as the Champion, at least some of those battles had to have been to the death and not all who take part do so by choice. He wanted to be a movie star for his own fame, but he also chose to be a character who defended the weak, fought with honor, and had overall good moral character.
Dad wants to be a good person. He wants to be happy. He wants to keep the people important to him.
His family is the most important thing to him.
Selfish people and sometimes the world is too much for us to deal with.
That's how we're alike.
I don't regret my choice, all those years ago, when I decided to hold dad accountable when he hurts us with an active choice, over the times when he shuts out the world and thus us. I know the others know on some level dad has done wrong by us in the past, but I don't think any of them have ever had the nerve to really tell dad that. Because everytime I have fought dad and had a valid point, he's always altered the behavior.
Even after he told us his past after the confrontation with the Foot Clan, it was only after the derby that dad started reaching out more to all of us. Just like I realized I needed to reach out to him, he realized he needed to do so to. I'm glad he did. He still has his days where he's not dealing with the world, but he seems happier now. I think because now he doesn't have to hide things from us, and that there's more people in our lives, so he doesn't have to feel like he has to hold it all himself.
And in understanding his past, and our past, its clear how much dad loves us. Of course he chose us over the world, more than once, but even at the start.
I have met people here who were children made to be weapons. Soldiers, used for some greater purpose by someone who was going for what they thought was the best thing for the world. I have seen the damage in them. And if I can understand they're greatly hurt, I can only imagine how deep that hurt truly is.
That would have been us. Perhaps Draxum would have gained some affection for us, we may not have had it as bad as the others just because he would have at least some personal investment in us, but he would not be as 'nice' as he is now without the gratitude and threat Mikey was able to present the day he decided to help Draxum. Draxum, unfortunately, I understand too well. He would have been too focus on the greater purpose to have ever stopped pursuing that goal without being forced to. We would have always been warriors first to Draxum, and only maybe children a distant second.
Dad had heard what our fate would be, and he refused it for us. Children did not deserve to be treated like that and he saved us. He raised us as kids first, as sons, from the very start. He didn't give us to yokai, not when it meant Draxum would have found us. He chose to dedicate his life to us, without even knowing what we would be like. I still have vague memories when the others started talking and he had been so shocked at the time. He never knew what he was going to get from us. He didn't know if we could talk, or if we would ever act like kids, that we wouldn't be some monsters because we were made for war.
He just saw children. He treated us as children. He tried so hard to be the best dad he could be, all on his own, and he made mistakes, so many mistakes, but he never stopped trying. He's still trying. Everytime he realizes he messes up, he tries harder the next time to not do so. He's more free with affection, more free with support, more free with believing in us. He even lets us do hero work, because we choose to do it, even though it was clear he wasn't exactly happy about it the first time he heard about it.
Dad is always trying his best. He's not perfect, but he loves us so much.
He chose to doom the world to save our lives. He didn't know it was a fight we could win, and he still chose us.
Dad loves us.
Dad loves me.
Dad is always trying his best.
And I can help, by letting him know when he hurts us. Its not fair that I do as his kid, but our situation is a mess, and I can make peace taking this responsibility because I want dad to be able to reach out to us and I want to reach out to him.
He did his best with limited resources, so I can do this much for him.
Dad loves me.
I love him.
And as long as we can keep reaching out to each other, we might hurt each other, but I think we'll be okay.
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