othellovonryan

The … what? [ What?? ] … You mean like how you had manifestations of them in your heart?

[ ... ]

Oh, I know that making connections on a team is hard. I've been on six of them. [ a little shrug, more in her wings than her shoulders. ] And I know that feeling like an outsider in a group is common. It doesn't make the anxiety or the panic attacks any easier to deal with. [ sometimes you try to raise a mild dissenting opinion and straight up have a panic attack about it. it's fun. ]

Heavy duty ... like ... the mindscape stuff?

I had what?

....you...don't have an inner voice sometimes that sounds like someone whose opinion you value highly? Media made that sound like a thing.

That is a lot of teams. But...you got a brother out of one. You have other close connections, right? [Concern.]

Hmm, yeah. Just...she didn't believe me when I tried to explain the void feeling. [The Pit.] Which I know SOUNDS bad, but it's really more like a buffering space. She didn't seem to believe me.

Edited 2023-08-02 11:25 (UTC)

Oh, uhm. You had manifestations of your brothers? Like Mikey-san was with the you that represented relationships.

[ … ]

Uhm —

Sometimes I'll think, "What would this person say if they were in this situation?" and try to imagine it, but … uhm, pin that for 117, please.

... Keep in mind, Dokkun — that team with my brother, we weren't exactly a normal team. In games, we were usually assigned to fill in the numbers on other teams. Imagine you were playing in a bad one and some random person who worked for the cult was stuck there with you. [ ... ] I think I did have some friends, though.

[ #amnesiaproblems ]

My knee-jerk reaction to seeing the manifestation of your void feeling was, "Yikes, that looks bad!" ... It took a moment and some chatting with Relationships to realise what it really was. So maybe it could be worth offering another explanation, when things are calmer.

Oh.

...yes, that would track. Mikey was usually best at helping with general relationship advice. April was better for very specific situations.

[Huh.] Okay, 117 subject noted.

was your team regularly supposed to hurt people? [Even More Concern.]

Maybe, but if she can't understand that, it...hampers all the rest. That space is time and there is a lot of time I just need that, but she pushes anyway. Even if she knows I'm in a bad place, she still thinks I can handle more, and even when I'm freaking out, she just...doesn't relent.

You know, I don't remember if I ran into an April-san in there? … But my memories are pretty fuzzy for some of it, so maybe … [ hum. ] Anyway, it definitely tracks. Like they were there for support and advice.

[ And, with the ninpo connection ... ]

[ h u h ]

[ ... is it like - ]

[ Sorry about this sudden sharp FLINCH, Donnie, Korone cringing and curling into herself. It only lasts a second, but it's. It's noticeable. She breathes out slowly. ] Anyway, the Cat team -

[That's because April was baked into the upper world]

Maybe that points it to be a Ninpo thing. April was only connected a few months.

[That was Sure A Reaction.]

Uuuh wait a second. That was not a just keep talking action?

What? Oh. [ Ugh. ] ... I brushed against a taboo. Or I got too close to brushing against a taboo. 117 thing.

....hm.

Should I ask Washington about the thing before then?

The -

Oh.

That thing.

... If you want to. Just let him know that you know that it's absolutely not for use or for sharing.

Okay so not related. [Seemed a way to ask without tripping it.]

I want to, just need a time too.

Honestly I was worried if I approached him these past few days, he'd Know and frankly I am testing my limits of luck by handling this before Raph is back.

It's not not related, but I can tell you the rest of it without you knowing the thing.

[ she reaches back for another scritch/pet ]

He'd prob'ly know, yeah. [ wash knows many things and donnie is an easy read for him. ] I don't think he'd push it if you made it clear you were handling things and had help already, but ... mm. I get wanting space.

Speaking of -

I think Tryse-san understands that way better now, at least? She'd push and not back down because she genuinely didn't realise that ... well, when it comes to emotional stuff, if you're reacting aggressively, a lot the time it's 'cuz you're overwhelmed, right? It's more defensive than actual, rational aggression that you mean.

[He hums, leaning into the scritch.] Hm. Still not sure I believe he doesn't have some kind of power.

...is that what you talked about?

I mean, yes. Anger is....easy.

Anger is easy to identify and act on. Everything else is really hard, and when it's hard, it all gets muted, but anger doesn't usually. If I'm not able to process my anger right away, it is really quite bad.

But most of the time anger is just the one I can figure out when everything is noise.

Heh. He really doesn't, he's just ridiculous.

But …

Mm. That's one of the things we talked about, yeah. I asked her to lay it all out for me from her perspective, and that was one of the things I picked up on as an important point to clarify. She couldn't see that you were getting overwhelmed, just that you wouldn't back down when she was trying to signal, in her own way, that she needed the conversation to stop.

So she'd push back harder. And you'd push back harder again.

I made the same recommendation to her that I made to you: take the initiative to back off.

Signal? But she's only told me a conversation needed to end twice.

...easier said than done. Getting overwhelmed usually makes it feel like I'm cornered and she's cornered me pretty hard the last few conversations. The last time when she brought up Aloy, she knew I wasn't feeling great, it was after we fixed your ribs and she...still wanted to talk about Aloy anyway. It can be one noise so quickly that it's hard to track...anything.

And the last time I took time for myself, she and Aloy thought I was dismissing her.

Did...

Did SHE understand I need time? Without being judged for it? Because judged time isn't time.

Signal. She was trying to tell you without saying it plainly ... and that's another thing we discussed, because you do need people to say these things plainly. I don't think she realised that ... mm, even if you might be sensitive to it in the moment, it's better a little bruise than a blow-up.

She -

[ a pause ]

Can I - I need my notebook, it's in my bag. It really did feel like she was starting to understand what you need, but it might be one of those things we've gotta revisit.

Yes. I can handle bruises. Then at least if there is a blow up, I can find the clues. A blow up alone just....doesn't help.

[Purple arms extend to grab her bag and bring it onto the bed.]

Squish or end squish?

She was worried about discouraging your passion. If she was too direct, I mean.

[ mystic constructs save the day once again. she gives him a thank you and an affectionate chirp, digging into the bag ]

[ squish or unsquish ... ]

I'm comfy and the contact and pressure is helping, but ... mm ... [ HM ] How would you feel about spooning?

How would she discourage my passion?

[He nuzzles her shoulder with a soft trill.]

I think spooning would be all right? If your wings can be comfy if it's on our sides.

Hurting your feelings, or making you feel self-conscious about talking to her ... that kind of thing.

I figured out how to settle the bottom wing so it's comfy for a few hours. [ When Yandonnie was cuddlemonstering her. ]

I mean-

Okay, that depends on a lot of things, but it's more discouraging to find out there's a problem weeks or months later because then I have no idea how to correct anything and then there's a wedge I never knew about.

[At least he's more mindful right now.] Just making sure. [He will move the parts back to the nightstand and roll off her back.]

Edited 2023-08-03 23:18 (UTC)

Mm. You can't help if you don't know something's wrong.

I think she understands now. If not fully, then better than she did before.

[ There's a quiet oof at the shift. She sits up briefly, stretches out, and then flops back down on her side ]

Exactly. At least then there is something to be done with the hurt. Instead of now where its just...

Suddenly too much.

[He moves closer behind her as she lays down, wrapping his arms around her to pull her close.]

[ snuggles back against him with a —

it isn't a churr, but it is somewhere between a trill and a coo. a chrill, if you will ]

[ she flips open her notebook, paging through. it's almost all in Japanese, with doodles and scribbles everywhere, with different colours and even highlighters. very chaotic. but her handwriting is neat, at least. ]

It's the kind of approach I'd prefer for myself. These days, that is. Some conversations are difficult by nature, and maybe it is something that you have to keep... mm, teasing apart over time? Work a little, back off, work a little more ...

But it's honest, open, and constructive.

[He nods, resting his chin on her shoulder.]

Sometimes conversations have to be big because of things out of your control, but all the more reason to deal with the smaller stuff.

Its easier to make smaller changes too. When sometime is big, then you have to do a big change, and that is hard and feels...bad.

That's when it starts feeling less like ... "That was a problem, here's what I'll do next time" and more like, "I am a problem," right-?

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