othellovonryan

What? Oh. [ Ugh. ] ... I brushed against a taboo. Or I got too close to brushing against a taboo. 117 thing.

....hm.

Should I ask Washington about the thing before then?

The -

Oh.

That thing.

... If you want to. Just let him know that you know that it's absolutely not for use or for sharing.

Okay so not related. [Seemed a way to ask without tripping it.]

I want to, just need a time too.

Honestly I was worried if I approached him these past few days, he'd Know and frankly I am testing my limits of luck by handling this before Raph is back.

It's not not related, but I can tell you the rest of it without you knowing the thing.

[ she reaches back for another scritch/pet ]

He'd prob'ly know, yeah. [ wash knows many things and donnie is an easy read for him. ] I don't think he'd push it if you made it clear you were handling things and had help already, but ... mm. I get wanting space.

Speaking of -

I think Tryse-san understands that way better now, at least? She'd push and not back down because she genuinely didn't realise that ... well, when it comes to emotional stuff, if you're reacting aggressively, a lot the time it's 'cuz you're overwhelmed, right? It's more defensive than actual, rational aggression that you mean.

[He hums, leaning into the scritch.] Hm. Still not sure I believe he doesn't have some kind of power.

...is that what you talked about?

I mean, yes. Anger is....easy.

Anger is easy to identify and act on. Everything else is really hard, and when it's hard, it all gets muted, but anger doesn't usually. If I'm not able to process my anger right away, it is really quite bad.

But most of the time anger is just the one I can figure out when everything is noise.

Heh. He really doesn't, he's just ridiculous.

But …

Mm. That's one of the things we talked about, yeah. I asked her to lay it all out for me from her perspective, and that was one of the things I picked up on as an important point to clarify. She couldn't see that you were getting overwhelmed, just that you wouldn't back down when she was trying to signal, in her own way, that she needed the conversation to stop.

So she'd push back harder. And you'd push back harder again.

I made the same recommendation to her that I made to you: take the initiative to back off.

Signal? But she's only told me a conversation needed to end twice.

...easier said than done. Getting overwhelmed usually makes it feel like I'm cornered and she's cornered me pretty hard the last few conversations. The last time when she brought up Aloy, she knew I wasn't feeling great, it was after we fixed your ribs and she...still wanted to talk about Aloy anyway. It can be one noise so quickly that it's hard to track...anything.

And the last time I took time for myself, she and Aloy thought I was dismissing her.

Did...

Did SHE understand I need time? Without being judged for it? Because judged time isn't time.

Signal. She was trying to tell you without saying it plainly ... and that's another thing we discussed, because you do need people to say these things plainly. I don't think she realised that ... mm, even if you might be sensitive to it in the moment, it's better a little bruise than a blow-up.

She -

[ a pause ]

Can I - I need my notebook, it's in my bag. It really did feel like she was starting to understand what you need, but it might be one of those things we've gotta revisit.

Yes. I can handle bruises. Then at least if there is a blow up, I can find the clues. A blow up alone just....doesn't help.

[Purple arms extend to grab her bag and bring it onto the bed.]

Squish or end squish?

She was worried about discouraging your passion. If she was too direct, I mean.

[ mystic constructs save the day once again. she gives him a thank you and an affectionate chirp, digging into the bag ]

[ squish or unsquish ... ]

I'm comfy and the contact and pressure is helping, but ... mm ... [ HM ] How would you feel about spooning?

How would she discourage my passion?

[He nuzzles her shoulder with a soft trill.]

I think spooning would be all right? If your wings can be comfy if it's on our sides.

Hurting your feelings, or making you feel self-conscious about talking to her ... that kind of thing.

I figured out how to settle the bottom wing so it's comfy for a few hours. [ When Yandonnie was cuddlemonstering her. ]

I mean-

Okay, that depends on a lot of things, but it's more discouraging to find out there's a problem weeks or months later because then I have no idea how to correct anything and then there's a wedge I never knew about.

[At least he's more mindful right now.] Just making sure. [He will move the parts back to the nightstand and roll off her back.]

Edited 2023-08-03 23:18 (UTC)

Mm. You can't help if you don't know something's wrong.

I think she understands now. If not fully, then better than she did before.

[ There's a quiet oof at the shift. She sits up briefly, stretches out, and then flops back down on her side ]

Exactly. At least then there is something to be done with the hurt. Instead of now where its just...

Suddenly too much.

[He moves closer behind her as she lays down, wrapping his arms around her to pull her close.]

[ snuggles back against him with a —

it isn't a churr, but it is somewhere between a trill and a coo. a chrill, if you will ]

[ she flips open her notebook, paging through. it's almost all in Japanese, with doodles and scribbles everywhere, with different colours and even highlighters. very chaotic. but her handwriting is neat, at least. ]

It's the kind of approach I'd prefer for myself. These days, that is. Some conversations are difficult by nature, and maybe it is something that you have to keep... mm, teasing apart over time? Work a little, back off, work a little more ...

But it's honest, open, and constructive.

[He nods, resting his chin on her shoulder.]

Sometimes conversations have to be big because of things out of your control, but all the more reason to deal with the smaller stuff.

Its easier to make smaller changes too. When sometime is big, then you have to do a big change, and that is hard and feels...bad.

That's when it starts feeling less like ... "That was a problem, here's what I'll do next time" and more like, "I am a problem," right-?

[There is a pause.]

[His grip tightens a bit.]

I believe so, yes.

[ She presses a hand over one of his. ]

You're not, by the way.

And if anything or anyone makes you feel that way again, you tell someone so they can help you.

[He hums, and presses his forehead to her shoulder.]

I had expected it for being shady or too pragmatic, the things I know people usually have problems with. But when its just because I had a fight with another person who isn't even the one expressing the problem.

Then people want me to make major changes I can't be sure I can do, or express vulnerabilities I'm not ready for, even when things are fine with the person I had the original fight with...

It makes me feel like there is something massively, fundamentally broken. Some neon sign other people are seeing that I can't hope to read.

That last bit, about feeling like something's broken — that's your brain being mean to you. This is a whole new arena for you, and navigating it will involve learning new skills and ways of interacting with the people around you.

It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, fundamentally, as a person.

... Have I been making those feelings worse? Any of them?

No, never.

You-

You've been patient. Even when I massively mess up. Even when you know there are things I think and want that I know you don't agree with, but you understand why I got to the conclusion so you don't make me feel bad for simply getting to that idea.

[ a breath of relief ]

If I ever do make you feel that way, please let me know. [ she squeezes his hand tight. ] ... My temper isn't like hers, but I still have one, and I can still be rude, and impulsive, and thoughtless. Even with the people I care about most. [ especially them, a lot of the time. ] I just ... have a lot of practice accepting shades of grey. [ of being shades of grey, herself. ]

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