othellovonryan

Signal. She was trying to tell you without saying it plainly ... and that's another thing we discussed, because you do need people to say these things plainly. I don't think she realised that ... mm, even if you might be sensitive to it in the moment, it's better a little bruise than a blow-up.

She -

[ a pause ]

Can I - I need my notebook, it's in my bag. It really did feel like she was starting to understand what you need, but it might be one of those things we've gotta revisit.

Yes. I can handle bruises. Then at least if there is a blow up, I can find the clues. A blow up alone just....doesn't help.

[Purple arms extend to grab her bag and bring it onto the bed.]

Squish or end squish?

She was worried about discouraging your passion. If she was too direct, I mean.

[ mystic constructs save the day once again. she gives him a thank you and an affectionate chirp, digging into the bag ]

[ squish or unsquish ... ]

I'm comfy and the contact and pressure is helping, but ... mm ... [ HM ] How would you feel about spooning?

How would she discourage my passion?

[He nuzzles her shoulder with a soft trill.]

I think spooning would be all right? If your wings can be comfy if it's on our sides.

Hurting your feelings, or making you feel self-conscious about talking to her ... that kind of thing.

I figured out how to settle the bottom wing so it's comfy for a few hours. [ When Yandonnie was cuddlemonstering her. ]

I mean-

Okay, that depends on a lot of things, but it's more discouraging to find out there's a problem weeks or months later because then I have no idea how to correct anything and then there's a wedge I never knew about.

[At least he's more mindful right now.] Just making sure. [He will move the parts back to the nightstand and roll off her back.]

Edited 2023-08-03 23:18 (UTC)

Mm. You can't help if you don't know something's wrong.

I think she understands now. If not fully, then better than she did before.

[ There's a quiet oof at the shift. She sits up briefly, stretches out, and then flops back down on her side ]

Exactly. At least then there is something to be done with the hurt. Instead of now where its just...

Suddenly too much.

[He moves closer behind her as she lays down, wrapping his arms around her to pull her close.]

[ snuggles back against him with a —

it isn't a churr, but it is somewhere between a trill and a coo. a chrill, if you will ]

[ she flips open her notebook, paging through. it's almost all in Japanese, with doodles and scribbles everywhere, with different colours and even highlighters. very chaotic. but her handwriting is neat, at least. ]

It's the kind of approach I'd prefer for myself. These days, that is. Some conversations are difficult by nature, and maybe it is something that you have to keep... mm, teasing apart over time? Work a little, back off, work a little more ...

But it's honest, open, and constructive.

[He nods, resting his chin on her shoulder.]

Sometimes conversations have to be big because of things out of your control, but all the more reason to deal with the smaller stuff.

Its easier to make smaller changes too. When sometime is big, then you have to do a big change, and that is hard and feels...bad.

That's when it starts feeling less like ... "That was a problem, here's what I'll do next time" and more like, "I am a problem," right-?

[There is a pause.]

[His grip tightens a bit.]

I believe so, yes.

[ She presses a hand over one of his. ]

You're not, by the way.

And if anything or anyone makes you feel that way again, you tell someone so they can help you.

[He hums, and presses his forehead to her shoulder.]

I had expected it for being shady or too pragmatic, the things I know people usually have problems with. But when its just because I had a fight with another person who isn't even the one expressing the problem.

Then people want me to make major changes I can't be sure I can do, or express vulnerabilities I'm not ready for, even when things are fine with the person I had the original fight with...

It makes me feel like there is something massively, fundamentally broken. Some neon sign other people are seeing that I can't hope to read.

That last bit, about feeling like something's broken — that's your brain being mean to you. This is a whole new arena for you, and navigating it will involve learning new skills and ways of interacting with the people around you.

It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, fundamentally, as a person.

... Have I been making those feelings worse? Any of them?

No, never.

You-

You've been patient. Even when I massively mess up. Even when you know there are things I think and want that I know you don't agree with, but you understand why I got to the conclusion so you don't make me feel bad for simply getting to that idea.

[ a breath of relief ]

If I ever do make you feel that way, please let me know. [ she squeezes his hand tight. ] ... My temper isn't like hers, but I still have one, and I can still be rude, and impulsive, and thoughtless. Even with the people I care about most. [ especially them, a lot of the time. ] I just ... have a lot of practice accepting shades of grey. [ of being shades of grey, herself. ]

I will.

And I'm not afraid of you getting mad. I've seen you mad. I fully encourage threatening or coming after me with a staff. April will do that with a bat, or there'll be threats with a sandal between my brothers and I, and it.

Makes sense.

Its not a resentful anger.

April is just keeping up with what we can do, and rough housing is just our normal, and I already understand I can't go after a human with a staff, that's biological, but its like....

[He waves a hand in the air in front of them.]

It gets the feelings out and if there's still a problem after, then its a talk.

You haven't had me screaming down the phone that I hate you.

[ and that one, she knows, sure can hit Different from a mop-smack upside the head ]

[ she snuggles back against him, though ]

... Rough housing to get the feelings out really is the best, though.

...okay, that will definitely need reassurance after the fact.

But.

Reassurance after the fact does help a lot.

[It can hit So Different. Words are Powerful Things.]

Rough housing is a lot simpler. Far more direct.

Yeah … [ she sighs ]

That one was her, not me, but there's still enough of her in me that … [ flappy hand ] I can't pretend I'm not capable of being the same kind of dumbass.

[ … ]

For the record, it was 'cuz … well, first dad forgot about my birthday 'cuz he was too busy chasing that stupid thief, and then Kaito forgot about it too, and he wouldn't stop talking about how great aforementioned stupid thief was.

… and then he said he asked me if she - I was a man … so I smashed him through a desk, obviously. He promised to put on a magic show at my birthday party that evening. Didn't turn up. Didn't even call 'til it was one minute to midnight.

I was ... uhm. Upset. Really, really, really upset. Promises are serious business. [ To say nothing about her Many Issues around being left behind. ]

Oh, that her. I thought you meant Tryse.

...

Honestly, birthdays, and then hitting the dad issues, and then his continued disrespect to your identity, and then lied, and barely managed to apologize on the same day?

If I was on that bad of a roll, I would have deserved it, because if I knew about all those issues and hit them all in succession, that would be bad, even for me.

[But he also holds promises as very serious business because you should never lie about things like that.]

Huh? Oh —

Sorry.

[ identity nonsense gets confusing, especially when you can't easily use names ]

He was a jerk and deserved a telling off, but "I hate you" is a bit much. Or a lot much. [ ... ] I got off track again.

Hmm, a bit, but he did screw up a lot.

[He kisses her shoulder.] You were worried.

... I really don't wanna hurt you.

Or mess up what we have.

[ And sometimes! Sometimes, it's hard not to worry, no matter how confident she (legitimately) is that they can pull together. ]

Just goes to show, right? People are hard. Feelings are hard.

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