othellovonryan

[Leo doesn't look at him, but he listens. And huffs a little sigh through his nostrils. Of course.

He focuses on that, feeling the bruising and his stripes light up with his ninpo as that soft warmth seeps into Donnie's skin to start the gradual healing.]

Should find a clock or something with a timer.

I know. I'll need to set something up on my phone.

[He dies sigh in relief as the pain fades.]

Why did you want to be a hero? You specifically.

We know why Raph does. I know why I do. Why do you?

[He doesn't answer for a minute. A long minute while those bruises heal and the skin returns its natural coloration.]

Because it's the right thing to do.

And why do you want to do the right thing?

Billions of people, everyday, don't go to the lengths we do, to do the right thing.

What drives you to go that far?

Because we're the only ones who can do the stuff we do back home.

True, but that isn't what I'm asking.

Let's turn it around.

Why do you think I do it?

I have no idea.

Now we both know that isn't true.

I have a point.

Just....trust me?

I am trusting you, but pretend I'm not as observant as I've proven to be.

...

You know it isn't because it's 'the right thing to do,' right?

And it isn't just because I want to keep you all safe.

Of course, there are the times where we really are the only option, between Shredder and the Kraang, but we weren't required for paper thieves or the Silverfish or all the other mutants, not really. They're not such an unbeatable challenge for normal humans if they're prepared.

It isn't because its cool to play hero, though that was part of why I wanted to go along at the start.

I have a reason, separate from all that. My own selfish reason where I decided I wanted that life despite how.....how detached I can be from those I have no personal connection with.

Edited 2023-04-25 21:26 (UTC)

Like I said: pretend I'm not as observant as I've proven to be. What reason?

I'm generous.

I like knowing my presence, my ideas, my inventions made a situation better.

When I help, it makes me feel good.

I like knowing that even when we have to hide and be separate, my existence mattered to the world, even if it's as small as keeping some person from getting jumped by silverfish.

I don't owe the world anything, I don't feel obligated to help, or guilty when I don't, not usually, but it makes me happy when I can improve it.

Hm.

[He just listens, only pulling his hand away once he's sure the healing finished with Don's bruises.]

Not a bad reason. Raph would probably have some thoughts about it, but I get it.

Maybe, but it's something I've thought a lot about. [His gaze follows Leo's hand, before reaching out to take it again.]

It's also why whenever the day may have come when we had to make the hard choice as heroes, I was going to take it.

Not the choice of how much we would give. How much we would lose. As hard as sacrifice is, at least that has moral clarity.

But when the choice was two evils, when both are terrible to do, just whichever was less.

[Oh. There it is.

The words to what Leo was trying to do. His eyes are focused elsewhere, but his hand in Don's is unmoving.]

I get it.

Do you?

....

I took it all from one person. Instead of more. Weighed the options of someone new no one was attached to yet hating me, or hitting multiple people and more established teams hating all of Snail and wanting to clap back. She had a fighting chance, so it wasn't like I was going after someone weak. It was fair.

[He could relate it to the Krang. How only losing him was the lesser than the entire universe. But that feels like a hot button topic he wants to approach with a radiation protection suit first.]

Not the point I was making, but I can circle back later.

[He squeezed his hand.]

It is a valid approach. Especially when that list isn't really deadly. When the task is hard to get the nerves for.

Did she agree or was it a surprise?

Then what point were you making?

[He'll focus on that first.]

[He hesitates a few beats and nods.]

...when I say I would choose to do the lesser evil choice, its not in the way I can do things the rest of you wouldn't because my moral compass isn't as robust. If I have to choose between a bus full of orphans or kill a villain, I know what I'm doing without guilt.

I mean the choice where there is no question that both choices are some level of evil if you have even a shred of decency.

The kind of choice where heroes in stories are always tormented and followed by. Where they think they can no longer consider themselves a hero or a good person.

Because it seems when your only motive is 'its the right thing to do,' the moment that pillar has been toppled, why are you doing any of it at all? If the hero has to make a choice that has no right answer, then should they even be a hero?

That's why I wanted to make the choice.

I knew I could make that evil choice, that I could feel guilt, disgust, hate myself, and as soon as I processed those negative feelings, I would be back out there again as a hero without doubt.

Because I don't need to be 'right' to be a hero. I just need to know that next time, I was going to leave a situation better than it was.

[Seems like no matter what he says, Don's going to be right and himself wrong. So what's the point of this conversation except to prove Leo doesn't know what he feels like he knows about himself.

"No question both choices are some level of evil even if you have a shred of decency". Literally what Leo thought he explained: attack and take everything from one person instead of attacking a group.

Whatever. It's whatever.]

You usually do. After the destruction and everything else.

I try.

But that is why I was asking for your reasons. Beyond it's right and we can.

It doesn't...

It's doesn't make doing the evil thing better. I don't know how to make the evil thing better. I can offer logic and justification, help assure you that yours was sound, but that....

It doesn't work so well, the logic, when it was definitely an evil choice. The decision sticks like a cloying tar.

But if you know that reason, the one behind all those high ideals and pragmatic facts, I think that can help. It doesn't erase what happened, but so what happened doesn't prevent being able to be a hero when the chance is there again. The evil thing can't be rid of a personal want as easily as high ideals in my experience.

[Another squeeze of his hand, glancing up to meet his eyes, then looking down at his hand again.] You did an awful thing now, I selfishly wish I could have protected you from that choice, but you did what you had to and it was terrible. But you can still be an amazing hero when your hands aren't tied, as long as you still want to be one.

Edited 2023-04-29 13:08 (UTC)

....Dontron, if we don't, then who will?

[It's a simple question, leveled quietly and without any derision or accusation.

It's also rhetorical. Donnie knows by now how Leo feels about his current situation. That Leo is convinced he's dead. What good does going on about the meaning of being a hero do when there's no going back for him anyway? He'll leave with Hunter and start over.]

Long as we're stuck here, it doesn't matter much anyway. So we'll keep doing what we think is right that we can live with to protect the ones we care about.

Of course it matters.

If it hurts you, it matters.

And things will just keep hurting us. Dunno if you've picked up on that.

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