othellovonryan

Hm.

[He just listens, only pulling his hand away once he's sure the healing finished with Don's bruises.]

Not a bad reason. Raph would probably have some thoughts about it, but I get it.

Maybe, but it's something I've thought a lot about. [His gaze follows Leo's hand, before reaching out to take it again.]

It's also why whenever the day may have come when we had to make the hard choice as heroes, I was going to take it.

Not the choice of how much we would give. How much we would lose. As hard as sacrifice is, at least that has moral clarity.

But when the choice was two evils, when both are terrible to do, just whichever was less.

[Oh. There it is.

The words to what Leo was trying to do. His eyes are focused elsewhere, but his hand in Don's is unmoving.]

I get it.

Do you?

....

I took it all from one person. Instead of more. Weighed the options of someone new no one was attached to yet hating me, or hitting multiple people and more established teams hating all of Snail and wanting to clap back. She had a fighting chance, so it wasn't like I was going after someone weak. It was fair.

[He could relate it to the Krang. How only losing him was the lesser than the entire universe. But that feels like a hot button topic he wants to approach with a radiation protection suit first.]

Not the point I was making, but I can circle back later.

[He squeezed his hand.]

It is a valid approach. Especially when that list isn't really deadly. When the task is hard to get the nerves for.

Did she agree or was it a surprise?

Then what point were you making?

[He'll focus on that first.]

[He hesitates a few beats and nods.]

...when I say I would choose to do the lesser evil choice, its not in the way I can do things the rest of you wouldn't because my moral compass isn't as robust. If I have to choose between a bus full of orphans or kill a villain, I know what I'm doing without guilt.

I mean the choice where there is no question that both choices are some level of evil if you have even a shred of decency.

The kind of choice where heroes in stories are always tormented and followed by. Where they think they can no longer consider themselves a hero or a good person.

Because it seems when your only motive is 'its the right thing to do,' the moment that pillar has been toppled, why are you doing any of it at all? If the hero has to make a choice that has no right answer, then should they even be a hero?

That's why I wanted to make the choice.

I knew I could make that evil choice, that I could feel guilt, disgust, hate myself, and as soon as I processed those negative feelings, I would be back out there again as a hero without doubt.

Because I don't need to be 'right' to be a hero. I just need to know that next time, I was going to leave a situation better than it was.

[Seems like no matter what he says, Don's going to be right and himself wrong. So what's the point of this conversation except to prove Leo doesn't know what he feels like he knows about himself.

"No question both choices are some level of evil even if you have a shred of decency". Literally what Leo thought he explained: attack and take everything from one person instead of attacking a group.

Whatever. It's whatever.]

You usually do. After the destruction and everything else.

I try.

But that is why I was asking for your reasons. Beyond it's right and we can.

It doesn't...

It's doesn't make doing the evil thing better. I don't know how to make the evil thing better. I can offer logic and justification, help assure you that yours was sound, but that....

It doesn't work so well, the logic, when it was definitely an evil choice. The decision sticks like a cloying tar.

But if you know that reason, the one behind all those high ideals and pragmatic facts, I think that can help. It doesn't erase what happened, but so what happened doesn't prevent being able to be a hero when the chance is there again. The evil thing can't be rid of a personal want as easily as high ideals in my experience.

[Another squeeze of his hand, glancing up to meet his eyes, then looking down at his hand again.] You did an awful thing now, I selfishly wish I could have protected you from that choice, but you did what you had to and it was terrible. But you can still be an amazing hero when your hands aren't tied, as long as you still want to be one.

Edited 2023-04-29 13:08 (UTC)

....Dontron, if we don't, then who will?

[It's a simple question, leveled quietly and without any derision or accusation.

It's also rhetorical. Donnie knows by now how Leo feels about his current situation. That Leo is convinced he's dead. What good does going on about the meaning of being a hero do when there's no going back for him anyway? He'll leave with Hunter and start over.]

Long as we're stuck here, it doesn't matter much anyway. So we'll keep doing what we think is right that we can live with to protect the ones we care about.

Of course it matters.

If it hurts you, it matters.

And things will just keep hurting us. Dunno if you've picked up on that.

And it still matters.

You would never let us suffer alone, why is it acceptable for you to?

[Does he have to say it????]

The worst's already happened to me, D. Doesn't matter.

[He grits his teeth, glaring down at the bed spread, holding onto Leo's hand in a tighter grip.]

You really don't have faith in us, do you?

How can....ten days. Ten days, I never doubted you guys would be doing everything to get me back. Even now, I expect a Mikey portal any moment.

How did you lose faith in less than ten minutes?

[Leo's quiet for a long minute, not looking at Donnie. Not reacting to that tightened grip.

Don saw what happened to him. He saw how bad the beating was, how it ended. Why does he have to hash this out still?]

How do you know it was only ten minutes? How do you know I didn't keep faith until the last second before I woke up here?

[Leo sighs. His eyes focused on the pattern of the stitching of the blanket they're laying on.]

...Hunter asked me to go with him. If we find a way out of here.

Because you weren't in there that long. I know it felt longer, but between going in and ending up here....it wasn't that long.

And I've already talked to Hunter about interdimensional travel before, we both know of several portals and if you think I would ever have Hunter separated from his family, I'm going to move on from being hurt by your lack of faith in me to outright insulted.

And I'm saying you weren't in there with me. You don't know that. All you know is your side of the portal.

[The truth is, neither does Leo. But he knows how he feels.]

I didn't say you couldn't do it. I'm saying there's a difference between finding a way to visit through portals, and staying somewhere.

You showed me the memory!

You-you just keep- [he grinds his teeth and let's go of Leo's hand, standing up to pace, hands flapping in the air.] You're scared and your stupid lack of faith in how much we love you is just-its-

[He growls and then he points accusingly at Leo.]

Fine!

Then we're becoming sextuplets!

Why is it a lack of love in me, and not just hey I was practically dead turtle walking when I woke up here?! I believe in you guys! I do.

But as soon as you guys can figure out how to use our powers to revive dead turtle brothers? I'm dead.

I know that, who do you think put you together again?! The world almost ended and I didn't get to stop for thirty-six hours after the fact! [His voice cracks.] April was furious with me when we finally took off my battleshell, she hadn't realized how much I was relying on it to keep from bleeding out while I worked because I wasn't the one on the edge.

Because Mikey was the only one who knew what I did, and he didn't breathe a word because we both knew I had to do the work. Casey didn't have the training, not for something that involved.

It wasn't easy. [He rubs at his eyes, the tears forming despite himself.] It wasn't we formed a portal and everything was fine. It was hours of work and desperation to stabilize you, to keep you from ending up crippled in some way because there was a lot of risks for it, to get rid of every bit of Kraang from Raph, to fix his eye, weeks for Mikey's hands to stop shaking, and Draxum said we were lucky because what we did would have killed weaker mystics.

It was terrifying and hard and I was the only one who could keep you alive so I buried the fear, the pain, the fucking whispers of the Technodrone that haunts my dreams because there was no choice.

Because losing you wasn't an option I could accept!

Edited 2023-04-30 10:44 (UTC)

[Leo listens. he lets Donnie expel all the poison in his thoughts. All the things they hadn't talked about, because while Leo knew how bad he was, they hadn't really talked about what happened after.

But the longer Donnie goes on, the more frustrated Leo gets.]

I never said it was easy. But that's great. You managed to save your Leo. We don't know about me. Maybe you did get me out somehow. Maybe I did die in there, maybe I never got out and I'm just stuck in a neverending stasis forever. Who knows! We don't know.

I believe you can do it. I really do. But until we know for sure? Don't bother bringing this up to me. I've been dying here too on top of everything else. So trying to say I'm 'not dead' is a moot point. I am dead, five times over.

Then Raph isn't my Raph! We're not from the same time either, that gap is just shorter and I already told you!

[The tears aren't stopping as he slams his hands on the bed spread, glaring at him.] Either you're my Leo or we're going to be sextuplets, that's six siblings born at the same time, because there is nothing, nothing I won't do for you. For our brothers.

All that matters is you get to be with your family, it does not matter how. Either you're mine and you're going to be fine, or you're mine here, go home with Hunter, and wait until I get the portals open to our Raph and your home and it's a big family reunion! They can meet Hunter and Eve and Choco and whoever else we adopted at the same time!

Fine.

If that's what it takes, then fine. [He's struggling here. Because he hates seeing Don upset, he hates being the cause of it almost as much as he hates honest, open emotional conversations.

He doesn't want to fight. He doesn't want to leave this on a bad note, but he doesn't know how to go back. He doesn't know how to fix this with some words and a hopeful attitude.

The venom and anger in his tone and shoulders melts. He's ...tired, more than anything. The last few days has taken a toll on him, and he's so tired. This wasn't how the conversation was supposed to go.]

I didn't- Mean it like that. [Take a breath. Breathe, Leo.] I know you'll pull that off. And I know you won't stop until we're all together in New York again, or the Boiling Isles, or wherever Choco is from if she wants to go back there. You've got this, Donnie.

Edited (I couldn't do it I couldn't leave them on an angry note) 2023-04-30 11:27 (UTC)

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