othellovonryan

Because we're the only ones who can do the stuff we do back home.

True, but that isn't what I'm asking.

Let's turn it around.

Why do you think I do it?

I have no idea.

Now we both know that isn't true.

I have a point.

Just....trust me?

I am trusting you, but pretend I'm not as observant as I've proven to be.

...

You know it isn't because it's 'the right thing to do,' right?

And it isn't just because I want to keep you all safe.

Of course, there are the times where we really are the only option, between Shredder and the Kraang, but we weren't required for paper thieves or the Silverfish or all the other mutants, not really. They're not such an unbeatable challenge for normal humans if they're prepared.

It isn't because its cool to play hero, though that was part of why I wanted to go along at the start.

I have a reason, separate from all that. My own selfish reason where I decided I wanted that life despite how.....how detached I can be from those I have no personal connection with.

Edited 2023-04-25 21:26 (UTC)

Like I said: pretend I'm not as observant as I've proven to be. What reason?

I'm generous.

I like knowing my presence, my ideas, my inventions made a situation better.

When I help, it makes me feel good.

I like knowing that even when we have to hide and be separate, my existence mattered to the world, even if it's as small as keeping some person from getting jumped by silverfish.

I don't owe the world anything, I don't feel obligated to help, or guilty when I don't, not usually, but it makes me happy when I can improve it.

Hm.

[He just listens, only pulling his hand away once he's sure the healing finished with Don's bruises.]

Not a bad reason. Raph would probably have some thoughts about it, but I get it.

Maybe, but it's something I've thought a lot about. [His gaze follows Leo's hand, before reaching out to take it again.]

It's also why whenever the day may have come when we had to make the hard choice as heroes, I was going to take it.

Not the choice of how much we would give. How much we would lose. As hard as sacrifice is, at least that has moral clarity.

But when the choice was two evils, when both are terrible to do, just whichever was less.

[Oh. There it is.

The words to what Leo was trying to do. His eyes are focused elsewhere, but his hand in Don's is unmoving.]

I get it.

Do you?

....

I took it all from one person. Instead of more. Weighed the options of someone new no one was attached to yet hating me, or hitting multiple people and more established teams hating all of Snail and wanting to clap back. She had a fighting chance, so it wasn't like I was going after someone weak. It was fair.

[He could relate it to the Krang. How only losing him was the lesser than the entire universe. But that feels like a hot button topic he wants to approach with a radiation protection suit first.]

Not the point I was making, but I can circle back later.

[He squeezed his hand.]

It is a valid approach. Especially when that list isn't really deadly. When the task is hard to get the nerves for.

Did she agree or was it a surprise?

Then what point were you making?

[He'll focus on that first.]

[He hesitates a few beats and nods.]

...when I say I would choose to do the lesser evil choice, its not in the way I can do things the rest of you wouldn't because my moral compass isn't as robust. If I have to choose between a bus full of orphans or kill a villain, I know what I'm doing without guilt.

I mean the choice where there is no question that both choices are some level of evil if you have even a shred of decency.

The kind of choice where heroes in stories are always tormented and followed by. Where they think they can no longer consider themselves a hero or a good person.

Because it seems when your only motive is 'its the right thing to do,' the moment that pillar has been toppled, why are you doing any of it at all? If the hero has to make a choice that has no right answer, then should they even be a hero?

That's why I wanted to make the choice.

I knew I could make that evil choice, that I could feel guilt, disgust, hate myself, and as soon as I processed those negative feelings, I would be back out there again as a hero without doubt.

Because I don't need to be 'right' to be a hero. I just need to know that next time, I was going to leave a situation better than it was.

[Seems like no matter what he says, Don's going to be right and himself wrong. So what's the point of this conversation except to prove Leo doesn't know what he feels like he knows about himself.

"No question both choices are some level of evil even if you have a shred of decency". Literally what Leo thought he explained: attack and take everything from one person instead of attacking a group.

Whatever. It's whatever.]

You usually do. After the destruction and everything else.

I try.

But that is why I was asking for your reasons. Beyond it's right and we can.

It doesn't...

It's doesn't make doing the evil thing better. I don't know how to make the evil thing better. I can offer logic and justification, help assure you that yours was sound, but that....

It doesn't work so well, the logic, when it was definitely an evil choice. The decision sticks like a cloying tar.

But if you know that reason, the one behind all those high ideals and pragmatic facts, I think that can help. It doesn't erase what happened, but so what happened doesn't prevent being able to be a hero when the chance is there again. The evil thing can't be rid of a personal want as easily as high ideals in my experience.

[Another squeeze of his hand, glancing up to meet his eyes, then looking down at his hand again.] You did an awful thing now, I selfishly wish I could have protected you from that choice, but you did what you had to and it was terrible. But you can still be an amazing hero when your hands aren't tied, as long as you still want to be one.

Edited 2023-04-29 13:08 (UTC)

....Dontron, if we don't, then who will?

[It's a simple question, leveled quietly and without any derision or accusation.

It's also rhetorical. Donnie knows by now how Leo feels about his current situation. That Leo is convinced he's dead. What good does going on about the meaning of being a hero do when there's no going back for him anyway? He'll leave with Hunter and start over.]

Long as we're stuck here, it doesn't matter much anyway. So we'll keep doing what we think is right that we can live with to protect the ones we care about.

Of course it matters.

If it hurts you, it matters.

And things will just keep hurting us. Dunno if you've picked up on that.

And it still matters.

You would never let us suffer alone, why is it acceptable for you to?

[Does he have to say it????]

The worst's already happened to me, D. Doesn't matter.

[He grits his teeth, glaring down at the bed spread, holding onto Leo's hand in a tighter grip.]

You really don't have faith in us, do you?

How can....ten days. Ten days, I never doubted you guys would be doing everything to get me back. Even now, I expect a Mikey portal any moment.

How did you lose faith in less than ten minutes?

[Leo's quiet for a long minute, not looking at Donnie. Not reacting to that tightened grip.

Don saw what happened to him. He saw how bad the beating was, how it ended. Why does he have to hash this out still?]

How do you know it was only ten minutes? How do you know I didn't keep faith until the last second before I woke up here?

[Leo sighs. His eyes focused on the pattern of the stitching of the blanket they're laying on.]

...Hunter asked me to go with him. If we find a way out of here.

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84

Re: night 84