othellovonryan | (no subject)

Great job, Raph!

[Donbot is hugging SO TIGHT.]

I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you, I love you, I'm sorry.

[ QUICK THUMBS UP FOR MIND MIKEY. Mind Mikey who we all know full well will get another hug before Raph moves on to whatever comes after Relations because of course he will.

For now, Donnie is the clear and true priority. ]

Aw, bud, I know all that. Promise. I love you too. And I mean, I don't blame you for anything you did to start with, but I also forgive you. 'cause I know sometimes it helps to get that out there.

[ Raph has not forgotten his post-Invasion unnecessary apology tour. Hamato household a stack of people not wanting apologies but feeling a need to give them. Iconic.

He will give every brain Donnie whatever forgiveness level they crave and then he'll do it as needed for whole Donnie in real life. Easy doing. ]

Its stupid and dumb and makes no sense, but its true and its the most annoying thing.

[RoboDon just keeping his face buried to his plastron.]

Sorry I kept you in by making it a threat to everyone else. [He knows that was Especially Rude.]

And that's why thought stuff and feeling stuff live in different area codes.

[ They literally all live in the brain but go off king.

Simply keeps petting Donnie's head. ]

Hmm. Yeah, that did make me mad. You really Raph-proofed me there. [ A confusing and worrying brotrayal, in the moment. ] Just so you know, if you ever hit me with a setup like that for real, I'm gonna ground you so long you gotta ask for directions to remember how to get back to your forge.

[ Yes the one right outside of their team house.

But he made sure to include "for real" in there because obviously it doesn't count when it was driven by an undeterrable, unavoidable, all-powerful dumb snake god cult magic... corruption thing. God he wants to punch the big snake so bad. It went into his little brother's head and it messed with him. No fucking manners. ]

They all live in the brain.

[Not that it changes things because it does FEEL like they live in different parts of the brain.]

It'll be pretty bad if I do hit you with that set up for real, that is a lot of endangerment to try and keep you somewhere. There was always a chance you wouldn't notice, but that's why I figured Hunter was a good next choice, he has good situational awareness, but still, that is a lot of care to not make it an actual death trap.

You could show me the science, but I won't get it.

[ He'll own that. Because he also probably wouldn't listen to all of it. His brain is not built for science. ]

Exactly. It's a no-go. Waste of energy. I big brother better when I got freedom of movement.

I know. It's part of why you were one of the first I went for. Also because I knew I could get Hunter early with the trust everything I say earring and that support would probably be better while I was being self destructive.

[Listen, he was being an asshole, but he was trying to minimize damage.]

Spoken like a contingencies guy.

[ It kinda helps, on some level. Knowing that even in the middle of getting pushed towards all those extremes and awful stuff, part of Donnie was trying to scale back. That it wasn't misplaced to believe he was still in here. ]

So is there supposed to be a bottomless pit in here, or do we also gotta patch that up?

Oh, yes, that's normal. That's where I put all the overwhelming emotions I can't process without time. It throws out puzzles when I'm ready to deal with them. [He points to the assortment of different handheld puzzles near the computer screens of relationship moments, in various states of completion.] Sometimes I hang out down there when I need to just do a job and not focus on feelings.

Like when I need to be Medic Donnie.

But it's part of the normal state of operations here.

[ Obligingly looks over towards the puzzles, then squints back at the pit a little. ]

So it's kinda like your brain vault. I getcha.

[ Everyone's got a brain vault, right, that's just survival necessity. ]

Honestly? I'm really glad that's not new. 'cause I didn't actually have any fix ideas for that.

More a processing area, but I suppose it can be a vault.

It's nothing to worry about. It may not be the most emotionally competent thing objectively speaking, but it functions well for me. I don't think it can be gotten rid of without changing something about me fundamentally.

[ Bleugh, immediately blows a raspberry to that.

He is just gonna carry Donbot around with him for a while. A good cure for being worried about and horrified for your brother in the physical world is to carry around all the little brain versions of him that you meet trying to save him. ]

Well I ain't gonna do that. I'm here to re fundamental you!

[Do not smiles at all that response and is going to go along with this carting, and just cling right back because hell yeah, no sensory issues in a mindscape, all the affection for him.]

I would definitely prefer to be refundamentalized.

Do you want to read your dossier?

[ Hmm. Baby Donnie did say Relations had a thing he should see, didn't he. A don't-need-to-worry-about-filters thing.

Dossier... like a detective. Fancy. ]

Is it long?

....I can read it to you?

Donnie, you sayin' that means it is!

[ Incriminating!!!! It long!!!

... why is he surprised that Donnie's mental notes on anyone, especially someone he's known his entire life, run Long. In hindsight, he should have been steeled for this. So maybe Raph is actually more worried that he won't be able to pay attention to or absorb the whole thing no matter how he takes it in. Not his forte.

Hrrrrrgh. But he told Selfishness he'd do it so he'll do it. ]

Fine. Just remember it's not personal if I gotta tap out. It's Raph brain. [ TM. ]

Its just the updated page, not all the archived stuff, that's just way too many memories to go over.

I can also skip over any of the observational stuff, since you'd know it. Obviously. [And Raph KNOWS he pays attention, unlike other people.]

I'll try to not get too long.

[Moving over the terminal though and hitting the keyboard to stop the screensaver. There are a lot of icons just of people's faces with their names, but also stuff like 'Dr. Feelings Therapy Notes' and 'Emotional April Talks.']

[Boy Trying So Hard to Remember things.]

[A pause, looking over the puzzles and]

[He picks up a simple rubiks cube and tosses it over.] You can play with that one. That's just 'how do I feel about sharing a botany space,' so its not hard for me to redo again.

I have to redo it sometimes anyway. [Since he can Vary By The Day how well he takes people in his space.]

[Sometimes you just make due for fidget toys.]

[ That's so many kinds of notes... so organized... what a setup.

It's sweet, though. Putting an image to how much work Donnie puts into the relationships thing. He'll politely not tell Donnie to his face right now that he thinks it's sweet, but he's thinking it.

Also free rubiks cube for fidgets. Raph absolutely holds it like a tiny bomb he's afraid to set off until Donnie tells him what it is. Then he holds it more like a rubiks cube. ]

Oh, thanks. [ Will he be able to bring himself to do more than just twist one specific row around, because he doesn't wanna mess up original Donnie brain stuff even with permission? Debatable.

Look, the mental Raph coalition is still patching up damage from the Kraang incident. It's a process. ]

I'll listen my best, alright?

[He nods and Aloy had me write it so HAVE THE WHOLE THING, which Raph will see. He will scroll down so Raph definitely sees all the INFORMATION is there, but Donbot will just read the analysis part.]

Name: Raphael "Raph" "Red" Hamato

Age: 17 (15 as a mutant, debatable he was alive two years as a turtle. I think dad just guessed our ages based on size.)

Height: 183cm/6 foot

Favorite Color: Red

Always a good gift: Plushies. Favors teddy bears. Rabbits are PRANK GIFT only.

[*Then there are SO MANY OTHER NOTES about things Raph likes and dislikes, various other statistics, things like he wears a retainer to bed, is allergic to peanuts, the best ways to perch on his back without getting poked by spikes, he loves doing pirate accents and they're delightful, how often he sheds his scales and scutes, how he should keep his shell clean, A LOT OF STUFF THAT IS HEADCANON THAT I AIN'T GONNA BUG DANI ABOUT, just assume there is a stupid amount of Random Information About Raph based on his physical statistics and personality notes. There's also a subject called Scientific Observation that might be come across as a lot more cold and clinical than one expects directed at their own family, but Donnie is Like That.*]

Team: Robin's Egg

Objectives: Fully trust teammates (I don't count), seek out emotional support (he's been working on it, but I do appreciate more material to talk him into it), planning ahead (maybe I can make a less irksome version of the helmet?)

Taboos: Isolation, self-sacrifice, downplaying struggle (THANK YOU. Sometimes these taboos are rude, but some really are good for encouraging good behaviors.)

Cultist Thoughts: Mutated alligator snapping turtle. Distinctive snaggletooth. Minor scarring, damage to shell + plastron. Anxious and volatile. (He's not THAT volatile.)

Safety Notes: DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITHOUT WARNING. DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITHOUT WARNING. DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITHOUT WARNING ESPECIALLY IN SITUATIONS THAT ARE HIGH STRESS SITUATIONS. HAVE RAPH GRADE SEDATIVES ON HAND AT ALL TIMES.

He is sensitive about his eye and mind control. Handle such subjects with as much care as possible.

Hidden City Notes: The police have a nasty habit of thinking he looks like CLEARLY DIFFERENT yokai criminals. You would think yokai would be more used to having massive teenagers considering the amount of different types amongst their own and would stop trying to throw a teenager into prison, especially when he's done nothing wrong. Maybe I should look into yokai politics. Its unlikely humans are going to become accepting of mutants on a wide scale, but I could make things easier for the other three in the Hidden City. Who knows, maybe there will be some weird law I can use to make amends with Witch Town, but unlikely with how the justice system treats Raph.

Ninpo: Raph is able to create energy constructs of his own body with varying sizes from simply a little larger than himself, usually preferring gauntlets, to several stories tall. I wonder what his limit is if we really juiced him up with the ninpo? He is able to add extra limbs at least temporarily and is able to send the constructs away from his body. He can alter the colors to make them temporary clones who are able to mimic his voice. There may be options for combo attacks considering their physical nature?

Validation Source: He isn't a parent, but his approval has always mattered and now he's upping it to be a MENACE. Its nice, but I am not sure I am prepared for the emotional terrorism. Still, I should also up his validation. He deserves to feel more supported.

Analysis: If Leo and I are the most similar, and Mikey is the one I get along with best, Raph is the one I understand the easiest. It took time to realize, but I think it was when he said 'tests are easy, answers are hard.' It was such a simple, but brilliant statement and I realized that it was often the case. Raph may not be as smart as me, but really, who is as smart as me, but I find his logic easy to understand. Perhaps its why I have always done well to work with him on plans, we can follow each others logic, even if he doesn't always get the more complicated things I may do. I know what to say that tells him what he needs to know for him to act.

It does lead to a sense of guilt, then, that I missed as much as I did. We've always known Raph was a more reliable caretaker than dad. Not that dad wasn't trying, but we knew Raph would be there. He would take care of any problems. There were certainly times where he might as well have been the dad. I wonder how much of a relief it was, when we realized how much of a technical genius I was, and could help make things easier around the lair? That Raph didn't have to take care of our actual health AND keep us from realizing how bad things some days got with idle distractions.

Its weird, feeling like its only natural to rely on Raph as we always have, but also realizing that it wasn't fair to Raph. It makes me happy that we still can enjoy doing dumb teenager things, and he relishes it just as much as we do. He deserves that. He deserves to be his age. He deserves to feel like our brother and not our caretaker.

Raph was a good leader. Is still a good leader, but I think dad was right to make him not the leader, though I don't know if he did it for the right reasons. He may have saw Leo's potential and wanted him to grow, though he certainly could have handled it better. Leo deserves a chance to realize his potential, but Raph certainly deserved a conversation about it so he didn't doubt himself. He was good at the job, but I think a chance without the pressure would be good for him. Or at least not be the only one with the pressure. Trust and be trusted in turn, that ever important lesson.

Though the least I can do now is try to be some sense of safety for him. I'm not sure how exactly I've managed it, but I've found I can usually get him to slow down, to take a few minutes to breathe. Maybe its all the security systems I've made, or maybe its because I put in the effort and that's enough of a train response to make an impact.

I want to try and keep being that. I think maybe I have been lax in my duties as a good brother, leaving all the emotional support to the others. I know I'm not good at it, but especially with it just being the three of us, I need to put in more work. They both deserve that from me.

I've always admired how strong Raph could be. That he could take care of us, that he could keep going despite everything. That he can have his temper and still choose to be a kind and good person. That he could always make things feel safer just by being there. Though that hasn't been a surprise for a long time.

There was only time where he felt like a threat and that was when we were kids, but it was also the time where I knew how safe he was. When he fell on my shell with his shell during a game. I've felt worst pains in recent years, but for the longest time, that had been the worst pain. It had been terrifying, finally realizing just how much more vulnerable I was than my brothers. But I can still remember all the foam on the end of his spikes, how devastated he looked, where even my subpar ability to read emotions could see it. How terrified he was that I would hate him forever for hurting me. I knew then if I choose to be angry and afraid of him, that he would never forgive himself.

I hated that thought more than any pain I felt. I knew then that Raph would never stand to hurt us, at least nothing beyond the usual rough housing of brothers. It wasn't something he was capable of being able to do and be okay. I wanted to make his own self fear and anger go away, even if I wasn't fully okay at the time. Though upon hanging out after that, he gave me the inspiration for the battleshell. An early sign of similar A to B logic problem solving.

He's one of the most important people in my life. I would do anything for him. I want to make the world better for him like he always made it better for us. I want to make us safer so he doesn't have to worry as much. I want to encourage him so he doesn't feel like being given a break is some kind of failing on his part. I want him to know that just because we're all messed up, it isn't his fault. He deserves to feel taken care of.

Raph is one of the best people I know. One of the most good people I know. I know if I want to do the right thing, I should think of what Raph would do and that is usually the case. I don't know how he has such compassion and a strong moral compass, but its truly impressive. Sometimes I try to be like him just so I can center my morals to something more socially acceptable. I want to do whatever is necessary to keep him from having to compromise his morals. I can do that much. Or at least try to. This place may try to push it, but at least if we're on the same team, I have a better shot of protecting him.

In conclusion, I couldn't ask for a better big brother. I love him more than anything, and I hope I can make him feel as loved as he deserves, especially for all the hard work he's put in for us.

*Also there's like....probably hundreds of archived pages, BUT*

[ Hm.

Well.

The listening isn't as hard as he thought it would be. Scrolling past all the clinical observation notes and going to the personal thoughts helped a lot with that. Sometimes Donnie will talk at length about techy sciencey stuff, and Raph's brain will filter a lot out in favor of just noting the energy behind it. Good infodump, vent infodump, whichever. But personal feelings stuff is always easier.

If Donnie actually wants to talk feelings, you gotta show up for that.

Some of this takes a direct trip to Raph's special mental vault, where he keeps the things that he maybe already knows but doesn't want to deal with yet, or can't handle dealing with. All the stuff where if he sat down with it, he'd probably have to check out for a while, which he can't just do (reason for personal determination also in the vault).

"We've always known Raph was a more reliable caretaker than dad." Vault. "He deserves to feel like our brother," vault. How Pops handled the leadership thing, already in the vault, now has a cellmate. "I want to encourage him so he doesn't feel like being given a break is some kind of failing on his part. I want him to know that just because we're all messed up, it isn't his fault." BIG into the vault.

"Keep him from having to compromise his morals" doesn't go to the vault but he's got that on hold for processing until he can figure out how to come at it in real life. Because it bothers him but he isn't sure why yet.

Now he's like twice as glad he put the safety thing on the table, though. Donnie deserves to know he's doing more than enough there.

Raph is starting to see why Donnie calls him a menace for the aggressive validation initiative, because now he's fully just out here holding a rubiks cube and feeling way too many emotions to pick from. It really is emotional terrorism. ]

Uh.

[ We are not! Gonna cry! On Mind Donnie! We're not! That's probably bad for robots! Get it together, Raph. ]

Can I get another hug?

[ We are just gonna sound like we're trying very hard not to cry on Mind Donnie. Nailed it. ]

[Donbot is unsurprised and immediately steps close to hug Raph. As tight as he can.]

I know it's a lot, but I could never say that outside the words would get caught.

I love you, big brother.

[ Phew, good, an important and necessary hug. Raph's gonna hug back not as tightly as he can, but you know. Still very tightly.

Definitely needed this to cope. ]

Love you too.

[ We can do it gang we can keep it together. ]

Even if this is bullying.

You can hug back as tightly as you want, Raph. Robot is body is built to your specs.

[Because he will continue to be a bully and love his brothers.]

Its so rare I can bully you emotionally. Can you blame me for taking advantage?

[ Oh man. Don't gotta tell him twice.

SQUEEZE ]

I can and I do! You're a little stinker. [ Blatant lies. Except the little stinker part, all his little brothers have stinker qualities. ] Lax in your good brother duties my foot. I oughta noogie you into next week.

[The Donbot holds! Raph specs honored.]

I mean....

I trapped you in a bunker.

And before that...

I could have done more when you and Leo were fighting.