othellovonryan | (no subject)

Its just the updated page, not all the archived stuff, that's just way too many memories to go over.

I can also skip over any of the observational stuff, since you'd know it. Obviously. [And Raph KNOWS he pays attention, unlike other people.]

I'll try to not get too long.

[Moving over the terminal though and hitting the keyboard to stop the screensaver. There are a lot of icons just of people's faces with their names, but also stuff like 'Dr. Feelings Therapy Notes' and 'Emotional April Talks.']

[Boy Trying So Hard to Remember things.]

[A pause, looking over the puzzles and]

[He picks up a simple rubiks cube and tosses it over.] You can play with that one. That's just 'how do I feel about sharing a botany space,' so its not hard for me to redo again.

I have to redo it sometimes anyway. [Since he can Vary By The Day how well he takes people in his space.]

[Sometimes you just make due for fidget toys.]

[ That's so many kinds of notes... so organized... what a setup.

It's sweet, though. Putting an image to how much work Donnie puts into the relationships thing. He'll politely not tell Donnie to his face right now that he thinks it's sweet, but he's thinking it.

Also free rubiks cube for fidgets. Raph absolutely holds it like a tiny bomb he's afraid to set off until Donnie tells him what it is. Then he holds it more like a rubiks cube. ]

Oh, thanks. [ Will he be able to bring himself to do more than just twist one specific row around, because he doesn't wanna mess up original Donnie brain stuff even with permission? Debatable.

Look, the mental Raph coalition is still patching up damage from the Kraang incident. It's a process. ]

I'll listen my best, alright?

[He nods and Aloy had me write it so HAVE THE WHOLE THING, which Raph will see. He will scroll down so Raph definitely sees all the INFORMATION is there, but Donbot will just read the analysis part.]

Name: Raphael "Raph" "Red" Hamato

Age: 17 (15 as a mutant, debatable he was alive two years as a turtle. I think dad just guessed our ages based on size.)

Height: 183cm/6 foot

Favorite Color: Red

Always a good gift: Plushies. Favors teddy bears. Rabbits are PRANK GIFT only.

[*Then there are SO MANY OTHER NOTES about things Raph likes and dislikes, various other statistics, things like he wears a retainer to bed, is allergic to peanuts, the best ways to perch on his back without getting poked by spikes, he loves doing pirate accents and they're delightful, how often he sheds his scales and scutes, how he should keep his shell clean, A LOT OF STUFF THAT IS HEADCANON THAT I AIN'T GONNA BUG DANI ABOUT, just assume there is a stupid amount of Random Information About Raph based on his physical statistics and personality notes. There's also a subject called Scientific Observation that might be come across as a lot more cold and clinical than one expects directed at their own family, but Donnie is Like That.*]

Team: Robin's Egg

Objectives: Fully trust teammates (I don't count), seek out emotional support (he's been working on it, but I do appreciate more material to talk him into it), planning ahead (maybe I can make a less irksome version of the helmet?)

Taboos: Isolation, self-sacrifice, downplaying struggle (THANK YOU. Sometimes these taboos are rude, but some really are good for encouraging good behaviors.)

Cultist Thoughts: Mutated alligator snapping turtle. Distinctive snaggletooth. Minor scarring, damage to shell + plastron. Anxious and volatile. (He's not THAT volatile.)

Safety Notes: DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITHOUT WARNING. DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITHOUT WARNING. DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE WITHOUT WARNING ESPECIALLY IN SITUATIONS THAT ARE HIGH STRESS SITUATIONS. HAVE RAPH GRADE SEDATIVES ON HAND AT ALL TIMES.

He is sensitive about his eye and mind control. Handle such subjects with as much care as possible.

Hidden City Notes: The police have a nasty habit of thinking he looks like CLEARLY DIFFERENT yokai criminals. You would think yokai would be more used to having massive teenagers considering the amount of different types amongst their own and would stop trying to throw a teenager into prison, especially when he's done nothing wrong. Maybe I should look into yokai politics. Its unlikely humans are going to become accepting of mutants on a wide scale, but I could make things easier for the other three in the Hidden City. Who knows, maybe there will be some weird law I can use to make amends with Witch Town, but unlikely with how the justice system treats Raph.

Ninpo: Raph is able to create energy constructs of his own body with varying sizes from simply a little larger than himself, usually preferring gauntlets, to several stories tall. I wonder what his limit is if we really juiced him up with the ninpo? He is able to add extra limbs at least temporarily and is able to send the constructs away from his body. He can alter the colors to make them temporary clones who are able to mimic his voice. There may be options for combo attacks considering their physical nature?

Validation Source: He isn't a parent, but his approval has always mattered and now he's upping it to be a MENACE. Its nice, but I am not sure I am prepared for the emotional terrorism. Still, I should also up his validation. He deserves to feel more supported.

Analysis: If Leo and I are the most similar, and Mikey is the one I get along with best, Raph is the one I understand the easiest. It took time to realize, but I think it was when he said 'tests are easy, answers are hard.' It was such a simple, but brilliant statement and I realized that it was often the case. Raph may not be as smart as me, but really, who is as smart as me, but I find his logic easy to understand. Perhaps its why I have always done well to work with him on plans, we can follow each others logic, even if he doesn't always get the more complicated things I may do. I know what to say that tells him what he needs to know for him to act.

It does lead to a sense of guilt, then, that I missed as much as I did. We've always known Raph was a more reliable caretaker than dad. Not that dad wasn't trying, but we knew Raph would be there. He would take care of any problems. There were certainly times where he might as well have been the dad. I wonder how much of a relief it was, when we realized how much of a technical genius I was, and could help make things easier around the lair? That Raph didn't have to take care of our actual health AND keep us from realizing how bad things some days got with idle distractions.

Its weird, feeling like its only natural to rely on Raph as we always have, but also realizing that it wasn't fair to Raph. It makes me happy that we still can enjoy doing dumb teenager things, and he relishes it just as much as we do. He deserves that. He deserves to be his age. He deserves to feel like our brother and not our caretaker.

Raph was a good leader. Is still a good leader, but I think dad was right to make him not the leader, though I don't know if he did it for the right reasons. He may have saw Leo's potential and wanted him to grow, though he certainly could have handled it better. Leo deserves a chance to realize his potential, but Raph certainly deserved a conversation about it so he didn't doubt himself. He was good at the job, but I think a chance without the pressure would be good for him. Or at least not be the only one with the pressure. Trust and be trusted in turn, that ever important lesson.

Though the least I can do now is try to be some sense of safety for him. I'm not sure how exactly I've managed it, but I've found I can usually get him to slow down, to take a few minutes to breathe. Maybe its all the security systems I've made, or maybe its because I put in the effort and that's enough of a train response to make an impact.

I want to try and keep being that. I think maybe I have been lax in my duties as a good brother, leaving all the emotional support to the others. I know I'm not good at it, but especially with it just being the three of us, I need to put in more work. They both deserve that from me.

I've always admired how strong Raph could be. That he could take care of us, that he could keep going despite everything. That he can have his temper and still choose to be a kind and good person. That he could always make things feel safer just by being there. Though that hasn't been a surprise for a long time.

There was only time where he felt like a threat and that was when we were kids, but it was also the time where I knew how safe he was. When he fell on my shell with his shell during a game. I've felt worst pains in recent years, but for the longest time, that had been the worst pain. It had been terrifying, finally realizing just how much more vulnerable I was than my brothers. But I can still remember all the foam on the end of his spikes, how devastated he looked, where even my subpar ability to read emotions could see it. How terrified he was that I would hate him forever for hurting me. I knew then if I choose to be angry and afraid of him, that he would never forgive himself.

I hated that thought more than any pain I felt. I knew then that Raph would never stand to hurt us, at least nothing beyond the usual rough housing of brothers. It wasn't something he was capable of being able to do and be okay. I wanted to make his own self fear and anger go away, even if I wasn't fully okay at the time. Though upon hanging out after that, he gave me the inspiration for the battleshell. An early sign of similar A to B logic problem solving.

He's one of the most important people in my life. I would do anything for him. I want to make the world better for him like he always made it better for us. I want to make us safer so he doesn't have to worry as much. I want to encourage him so he doesn't feel like being given a break is some kind of failing on his part. I want him to know that just because we're all messed up, it isn't his fault. He deserves to feel taken care of.

Raph is one of the best people I know. One of the most good people I know. I know if I want to do the right thing, I should think of what Raph would do and that is usually the case. I don't know how he has such compassion and a strong moral compass, but its truly impressive. Sometimes I try to be like him just so I can center my morals to something more socially acceptable. I want to do whatever is necessary to keep him from having to compromise his morals. I can do that much. Or at least try to. This place may try to push it, but at least if we're on the same team, I have a better shot of protecting him.

In conclusion, I couldn't ask for a better big brother. I love him more than anything, and I hope I can make him feel as loved as he deserves, especially for all the hard work he's put in for us.

*Also there's like....probably hundreds of archived pages, BUT*

[ Hm.

Well.

The listening isn't as hard as he thought it would be. Scrolling past all the clinical observation notes and going to the personal thoughts helped a lot with that. Sometimes Donnie will talk at length about techy sciencey stuff, and Raph's brain will filter a lot out in favor of just noting the energy behind it. Good infodump, vent infodump, whichever. But personal feelings stuff is always easier.

If Donnie actually wants to talk feelings, you gotta show up for that.

Some of this takes a direct trip to Raph's special mental vault, where he keeps the things that he maybe already knows but doesn't want to deal with yet, or can't handle dealing with. All the stuff where if he sat down with it, he'd probably have to check out for a while, which he can't just do (reason for personal determination also in the vault).

"We've always known Raph was a more reliable caretaker than dad." Vault. "He deserves to feel like our brother," vault. How Pops handled the leadership thing, already in the vault, now has a cellmate. "I want to encourage him so he doesn't feel like being given a break is some kind of failing on his part. I want him to know that just because we're all messed up, it isn't his fault." BIG into the vault.

"Keep him from having to compromise his morals" doesn't go to the vault but he's got that on hold for processing until he can figure out how to come at it in real life. Because it bothers him but he isn't sure why yet.

Now he's like twice as glad he put the safety thing on the table, though. Donnie deserves to know he's doing more than enough there.

Raph is starting to see why Donnie calls him a menace for the aggressive validation initiative, because now he's fully just out here holding a rubiks cube and feeling way too many emotions to pick from. It really is emotional terrorism. ]

Uh.

[ We are not! Gonna cry! On Mind Donnie! We're not! That's probably bad for robots! Get it together, Raph. ]

Can I get another hug?

[ We are just gonna sound like we're trying very hard not to cry on Mind Donnie. Nailed it. ]

[Donbot is unsurprised and immediately steps close to hug Raph. As tight as he can.]

I know it's a lot, but I could never say that outside the words would get caught.

I love you, big brother.

[ Phew, good, an important and necessary hug. Raph's gonna hug back not as tightly as he can, but you know. Still very tightly.

Definitely needed this to cope. ]

Love you too.

[ We can do it gang we can keep it together. ]

Even if this is bullying.

You can hug back as tightly as you want, Raph. Robot is body is built to your specs.

[Because he will continue to be a bully and love his brothers.]

Its so rare I can bully you emotionally. Can you blame me for taking advantage?

[ Oh man. Don't gotta tell him twice.

SQUEEZE ]

I can and I do! You're a little stinker. [ Blatant lies. Except the little stinker part, all his little brothers have stinker qualities. ] Lax in your good brother duties my foot. I oughta noogie you into next week.

[The Donbot holds! Raph specs honored.]

I mean....

I trapped you in a bunker.

And before that...

I could have done more when you and Leo were fighting.

You trapped me in a bunker 'cause some dumb magic snake messed you up. Don't get it twisted. And the Leo stuff is. Was? I dunno. Weird and complicated. We get on different pages and stop speakin' the same language. That's not on you.

[ Would he even call it fighting most of the time? One-sided arguing. Lecturing while Leo stayed all smug and relaxed-looking and needled and didn't get it, and not getting Leo right back, a whole dumb thing.

Well maybe for Leo that does count as fighting.

Wish in one hand, spit in the other, though. ]

You think I'd put the safety guy badge on just anybody? Get with it.

I still feel bad for it. [He kind of hates it.] It feels like my fault.

It was a family problem and...I was picking up stuff that neither of you were.

[He knew at least part of what Leo's problem was.]

[And he knew where Raph was coming from because it was the ways he and Raph were similar.]

[But trying to intervene had been....a terrifying prospect. He had hoped they could just figure it out, that nothing had been so important to try and navigate minefield.]

I might have been able to help. Before things got so...messy.

[Before the Invasion made it so much more.]

[But]

[Oh.]

[That's right.]

[He presses his face against Raph's shoulder.]

....I am glad for that. You do so much to make us feel safe. I wanted to give you that at least a bit.

It's not your fault. I guess it's not really anyone's? I think we all wanted to do what we thought was gonna be the right thing to do, but our right things didn't mix great.

[ Even Pops. Stuff usually settles okay. This was just. A whole thing. He thinks. That's still in the Raph processing center because it does all kinda tie to the invasion and that means there's a lot of stuff he has to step around. ]

You do. More than a bit. That's not gonna change, either.

You all were. I just wasn't ready to navigate those emotions. I always put that all on you guys.

[Even if he isn't good at it. He doesn't want them all to suffer because he wasn't willing to have a hard conversation.]

....good. [He hugs him tighter.] I hope that is the case. I can be consistent for security.

Like I said. Stuff was weird. But we all got through it. That's better footing we're gonna have next time.

[ Probably. It sounds right to him. He'd like to say something like "don't circle back on it too much" but that would be..... probably way too easy to get called out on himself? He's pretty sure that 90% of what the mean drill sergeant dude in his brain does is post-game stuff to figure out what he could've done better or how to not have them happen again.

Raph has zero complaints about More Hug. He's collecting. ]

You're also consistently my little brother and I love you, so there. You can stick that in the dossier.

[Donnie would absolutely call him out, Raph forever circling back on his anxieties and even Donnie Knows.]

Maybe. I know to not sit by when I can see part of the problem. [He is less sure how much Leo has internalized 'sometimes aggression and disagreement is not a personal judgement on him.']

That is written in the Hamato base file. Your family and you're loved, no matter how many times you have to be talked down from a potential world domination plot.

Oh, good. Had to make sure you had your family facts straight.

We're gonna be there when you're ready, alright?

[ It's not all 1:1 similarities, but they've all got some common starting ground in "something got into my head and made me hurt people" understanding now. Him, Leo, Donnie. Hunter. What a legacy they're establishing. ]

That file is part of the OS of the system. If any of those facts change, this whole thing will just start crashing.

[This is the worst sort of legacy.]

I'm not sure I could function if I didn't have those facts.

[ Hmmmmm. So an OS is important... noted. ]

Good thing you're never gonna lose 'em, then. [ ! ] Wait, could you lose 'em with the corruption stuff?! Are your big files in trouble?!

No. The Core firewalled himself as soon as the Corruption took hold. [Tilts his head]

There was a brief moment in time he could have been in danger, but Cat took care of that.

Do you want to meet The Core?

Edited 2023-03-05 21:22 (UTC)

[ Phew. Good. Nice and secure. Cat is a real one. ]

I could meet him, yeah. Is there anywhere else we gotta clean up first?

Every room has been visited except the River, but I believe that fine? It's base instincts, it can be hard to detect changes, but there isn't a ton of need to change it for the corruption either.

The Core would know for sure.

A memory for your place in the family works for getting to The Core. Other things to, but that is least nebulous.

Right. Then Core it is! Meet another Donnie, get the official word. I'm not outta here until I know you're all set.

[ It's the whole point! Corruption bad! Restore little brother!! ]

Place in the family, huh...

[ That is. Phew.

It's only fair if it's about making a door to a part of Donnie that's all about that, it's just also a heck of a concept. Time for a good ol' fashioned think session, give him a minute. ]

I know. [Raph is getting another Donbot hug.] You're a good big brother and I love that about you. [Unfiltered emotion is just full of hugs for the Raph bank.]

I'm sure you can think of something.

[ Place in the family. Place in the family.

It's not that he doesn't know his place in the family. What he's all about. He's the oldest. The big brother. The one who is the biggest. He's the one who does whatever he has to to keep them all safe. Tries to be a shield from stuff, is still trying to figure out where the line is between shielding and holding someone back. Between carrying them through something when they need it and not letting them learn to walk on their own.

A brother in general. A son in general. Hamato in general.

So like a memory where that clicked. Where he felt that. Like he was exactly who he was supposed to be when it came to his family, doing what he was meant to do.

Watching the escape pod close around Leo and being so relieved that for a second his fear numbed out. Carrying everyone away from a fight they couldn't win. All of them in his arms all at once, hugging him back. Closing dad's door and putting on a brave face and trying to drag his brothers into a game of hide and seek.

April saying trust us, understanding falling into place where it couldn't before, barely keeping balance with an insane amount of pizzas stacked on his head while everyone rooted for him--

TRIES TO TURN FEELING INTO CRAFTABLE? ]

[Donbot is going to keep being draped on him and Mind Mikey will to, because Raph deserves it in this trying time.]

[Emotion and memories coalesce together and a new craftable appears in the table, 'Family Place']