othellovonryan | (no subject)

(no subject)

Noise

It starts as just irritation. A metaphorical crawling under your skin. Things are too noisy, too bright, there is too much happening all the time and you can't take it all in-

Then silence it, make it yours, make it you, take control and destroy what will not submit

It sounds so inviting, a freedom from the noise, but its wrong, its wrong, its wrong and the noise is getting louder, mechanical and foreboding as it sees you, it knows you are there, and it wants to make you apart of it.

Anatawa hitorijanai

For a moment, there is quiet.

You breathe.

And fall through water.

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Why do you need them, though? There’s so many other people here who can teach you things! We could make glyph machines! You’ve already helped me make things with glyphs—!

Because I already know I'm too weak to protect the people I care about!

I was refusing to use the resources I already had because what? My peace of mind? What good is that when my family is forever plagued by nightmares? Phobias? New traumas by the week?!

Edited 2023-02-15 13:00 (UTC)

…

You’re not weak, Donnie. It’s not your fault.

[ a deep, wavering breath. ]

I get it. Being - being the one to get through things when others didn’t. And still getting traumatized, but feeling like it doesn’t matter, when it isn’t even useful trauma.

I understand you, Donnie. We - we bonded because we understood each other when no one else did.

Edited 2023-02-15 13:15 (UTC)

...I know.

I know that. That-

It means everything to me, Hunter. To have that. That's-

[His hands clutch at the console, body hunching forward.]

That's why I want to protect you. That's why-even if it makes you hate me-

I don’t hate you. I’m never going to hate you, Donnie. I just - I know what it’s like being drawn in by promises like this. By someone who promises strength you don’t have, and a role you think is right.

[ He kneels next to Donnie at the console, looking up at him. ]

Trust me?

Of course I trust you. That was never a question. [He's not looking at Hunter, the guilt clear on his face.]

I wasn't-

I wasn't being promised anything. I chose to use the information. I chose to access it.

The Technodrone didn't exist until after I started it, but its. Its fine. I have them under control. I have it under control.

You don’t, Donnie.

… just like I didn’t have control of Belos. It’s not weakness, he’s just strong. And ruthless.

And so are they.

I know they're ruthless, strong, but...

But they need me to still be able to use the Ninpo. The fact is, they can only try to take so much from me for them to get what they want. They have to convince me. I just have to remain unconvinced, and I have access to thinks I just don't normally.

I can make biotech. I can potentially cancel out the powers of the snake. The knowledge is all there. I just need time.

Some things are too dangerous, Donnie. I could probably do a lot too if I decided to track down that Belos fragment in the woods and tried to incorporate him. I’d be an incredible witch with his power - I could keep up with the rest of my team -

[ He swallows. ]

But. It would be a bad idea. This is too.

Belos can't get anything from you as you. He would take anyone.

Just like he took Leo.

I know its a bad idea, but the alternative is letting all of you suffer.

Its better. Its better to just have one person suffer.

I can take it. I can keep you all safe. You can all hate me and it'll be enough conflict the snake will leave it alone.

It’s - it’s NOT better. Not when we can all work together. I’d rather suffer a little if it means we’re all together—!

Excepting you won't be suffering a little! [He turns to look at Hunter, gesturing at his everything.]

I’ll still be suffering less than you are now.

[ Hunter reaches out for Donnie. ]

Please. Trust me?

I do trust you! Why aren't you listening?! This isn't about the fact I don't trust you!

Its about the fact that all of you are okay leaving me behind!

… I’m not okay with leaving you behind.

You would die for me.

I would. Yeah.

But I don’t want to. And I won’t, because you’ll protect me. Right?

That's what I'm trying to do! [The teal is creeping up around his neck.]

You, Leo, Raph! Others! You're all so willing to just...to just die, not even thinking how it hurts everyone you leave behind! Where you think that somehow...somehow that solution is ACCEPTABLE!

It’s not acceptable.

[ Said quietly, simply. He eyes the spread of that blue with concern.]

It never was. I’m still struggling with that. So - please don’t think it’s acceptable for you either.

We can work on it together.

I'm not planning to die for any of you.

I'm planning to keep you safe. I can deal with a lot more trauma situations then the rest just because I can be pragmatic about most of the worst stuff.

All of you might hate me, but-

But there's a chance you won't.

At least when I Sacrifice, [the teal creeps up higher] I don't give up hope for better. I just accept it might not happen, but at least I'm not dead.

[ Hunter reaches out a little. ]

Then hope, okay? Don’t take it all on your own. Please.

[There's contact and he jerks back, the teal sizzling on his skin.]

Its better this way! At least all of you will be fine, and I can take it. I can take being alone!

Edited 2023-02-16 08:41 (UTC)

I don't want you to be alone! Please!

I don't matter!

Yes you do! You matter to me!

[ He gulps in a breath. ]

You're my brother! You're my best friend! Even before I got close to Mouse, you were there for me! I - I didn't even remember that I had friends back home. Not really.

You showed me what it was like NOT to be alone. That I could have someone who understood me as I was, and not who they wanted me to be. I never knew that feeling before I met you.

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