othellovonryan | (no subject)

(no subject)

Noise.

It starts as just irritation. A metaphorical crawling under your skin. Things are too noisy, too bright, there is too much happening all the time and you can't take it all in-

Then silence it, make it yours, make it you, take control and destroy what will not submit

It sounds so inviting, a freedom from the noise, but its wrong, its wrong, its wrong and the noise is getting louder, mechanical and foreboding as it sees you, it knows you are there, and it wants to make you apart of it.

Anatawa hitorijanai

For a moment, there is quiet.

You breathe.

And fall through water.

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Hmm, it looks like Shirou got through the lock a bit, but Catherine got the door open.

Catherine is always a surprise. I'm not even sure how she so thoroughly removed the Technodrone. I'll have to ask.

[He tosses the tablet to the bed.]

[Then shifts and hugs Raph around the neck.]

Sorry for going off the deep end.

If I knew we had a whole op team in here I would've given 'em a pep talk!

[ They didn't need one, though. They're putting in work. Which is good because Donnie's worth working for.

Case in point: hug. Raph is more than happy to turn this into a reciprocated hug. The fact he can't take pictures... maddening. ]

I forgive you in here as much as I'm gonna forgive you out there. So y'know. All the way. [ Wild day it would be if he, of all turtles, held getting brain-whammied and hurting people in ways they'd normally never do against someone. ] But you still owe me a real roughhouse.

I mean, there were phones to gather, but no one picked them up. [SHRUGS.]

[He is getting an outright cuddle from this tiny brother because he does like affection AND he's free of sensory issues that usually make it a sometimes treat.]

...you do know I'm going to use it against you if you feel bad about your own experiences. [He is Selfishness and he is Merciless.] And I can do a real roughhouse. Most likely free of any sedatives. [One Can Never Be Sure with Donnie vs Raph.]

[ Raph gets to selfishly hoard all the cuddles from Selfishness for a minute. He loves that for himself. ]

Nope. Don't know what you're talkin' about. [ Couldn't be him. The surprise pikachu moment of potentially having it used against him is a future Raph problem. ] If you're gonna bring drugs, just say no to the tussle! It defeats the whole point!

You're not a good liar either, Raphie.

[He chuckles.] I suppose I could also do that. I'll take it under consideration.

Do you have questions? Its a lot easier to communicate things like this. The broken filters aren't so relevant.

[ Snort. ] Yeah, I know.

[ Dang Leo and Mikey taking all the deceptiveness...

Raph makes a Thinking Sound and shrugs a little. ]

Is there anything you wanna communicate?

I always want to communicate. This is an invitation, Raph.

You know I'd be nosy. Its only fair.

Yeah, but we're doin' alright with that when we try it these days.

[ Even if communication uhhhhh sometimes had to be incited by memory-sharing cacti while they were trying to rest up pre leoxorcism. Snek stuff.

....... but.

Still. ]

I don't do stuff 'cause I think it would be okay to leave you guys behind.

[ look, robo snapper Donnie hit a lil sore spot with that one okay ]

....

It feels like it.

You and Leo...you jump to those conclusions so quickly...

[ Hm. Some thought required. ]

Sometimes there's no time to think. Sometimes there's- there's no good option. Just different bad ones.

[ Sometimes your brother's about to die and you're the only one who can stop it. Sometimes you have to make yourself leave Gram Gram behind, leave your dad behind. Sometimes losing feels better than overpowering some stranger who wouldn't stand a chance and doesn't wanna fight.

(Sometimes there's nothing you can do at all because you're too far away and the last thing your little brother says to you reminds you of all the ways you pushed him towards it.) ]

I guess I don't need to tell you it's selfish too, huh?

Of course I know that. That's why the moral pillars are here.

[He reaches over to the shelf, grabbing a red lined Rubik's cube.]

But it's a different kind of selfish. A want to be something. Over just....the things wanted. [Holding out the cube.]

We give so much to be good people. To help people. Time and energy and health for a world we have to hide from because humans are dumb in a big enough group.

Is it so wrong to want to keep each other at least?

I mean, sometimes I just wanna not feel bad about stuff later. Y'know?

[ It's his sense of identity and he gets to choose what things he hinges it on etc etc. If he's thinking that far ahead in the first place and not just kind of doing a very heart-led yeet at something. ]

'course I don't think that's wrong. Look who you're talkin' to. King Overprotective.

[ And the complex impacts it's had on his familial relationships therein.

Carefully taking the Rubik's cube tho. ]

Scoff. Not wanting to feel bad is just a survival instinct, not a selfish thing.

[He is the ideal. I will do anything and everything it takes to let him continue to be that person.]

I do want to be a hero. I like helping people. I just....

I don't want to give you all up for it. I can't be that generous.

Edited 2023-02-19 20:55 (UTC)

Sometimes Raph's survival instincts and selfish instincts are the same thing!

[ when you're trying to represent yourself in selfishness court but your brother hands you THIS HECKING CUBE???

So he's gotta bury his face in his hands for a minute actually, court in recess. ]

They're really not. Not for you.

You're a really good hero. But I'm also pretty sure being a good brother is a pretty big part of your survival in combination with your just being really tough to take down. Can't stay and keep us alive? You'll leave.

[ Right. Okay. Breaths. Feel feelings about that when it's not infringing on brother saving time. Looking back up, immediately getting confused. ]

Duh! What am I gonna do, stay and not keep you guys alive?

[ (the point)

(raph's head) ]

Which, as a result, keeps you alive because if we're threatened, you're threatened. You're not THAT much tougher than us.

One, rude.

[ Pokes him very gently on the forehead. ]

Two, we're gonna have a talk about that "do whatever to preserve Raph's whatever" cube after we fix you up all the way.

Just saying. [Casey Jr. is the least affectionate when talking about Raph. That says something.]

....what do you think the whatever is, Raph?

[ It says Future Raph did a very cool job and went out first which is the only acceptable order. Source: anonymous-definitely-not-Raph. ]

I dunno, morals? Ethics? [ Those are basically the same thing right. ]

More or less, yes. Though those are different things. I have more ethics then morals.

I never wanted you to have to compromise them.

See, exactly! We gotta hash that out. I don't-

[ Thought bubble moment but it's just a 2D animated scribble wriggling around like this is Elmo's World or something.

It doesn't feel. Good. He doesn't think he likes it. Conceptually. Because he is a hypocrite. ]

I don't got my brain together on that to hash it out yet and you don't got your brain together all the way at all, so I don't think I can do it right now and make whatever point I wanna make. So circle back with me on that one.

...

[He reaches up from where he's probably cradled in Raph arms still.]

[And pats the top of his head.]

You're taking a lot from that, which...fair. But I also wanted you to take away I admire you, Raph.

I just have...complicated feelings.

You should check in with Relations later. I think you should read something. Or have Relations read it for you.

[ Headpat appreciated. Admiration also appreciated. Rumblegrumble, etc., have the world's huffiest big brother nuzzle.

Selfishness Donnie is so baby. He is so tiny. ]

I'll think about it. But I already know you love me, so no promises. [ Is it a flagrant brain crime when your brother literally says hey you should see or hear this thing? Probably not. He'll see where he lands. ] I gotta check on Relations anyway. We need both of you guys back on your feet, right?

You know I love you, but also, mindscape is a lot easier to get my emotions across instead of trying to force it through the broken filter that is between my mouth and any sort of talking that is not obsession or sounding smart based.

But yes. I can act in place of Relations, but Relations makes it a lot easier to gauge between 'thing I want for me' and 'how I make the people I care about happy while getting at least some of thing I want for me.'

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