othellovonryan | (no subject)

(no subject)

Noise.

It starts as just irritation. A metaphorical crawling under your skin. Things are too noisy, too bright, there is too much happening all the time and you can't take it all in-

Then silence it, make it yours, make it you, take control and destroy what will not submit

It sounds so inviting, a freedom from the noise, but its wrong, its wrong, its wrong and the noise is getting louder, mechanical and foreboding as it sees you, it knows you are there, and it wants to make you apart of it.

Anatawa hitorijanai

For a moment, there is quiet.

You breathe.

And fall through water.

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You're not a good liar either, Raphie.

[He chuckles.] I suppose I could also do that. I'll take it under consideration.

Do you have questions? Its a lot easier to communicate things like this. The broken filters aren't so relevant.

[ Snort. ] Yeah, I know.

[ Dang Leo and Mikey taking all the deceptiveness...

Raph makes a Thinking Sound and shrugs a little. ]

Is there anything you wanna communicate?

I always want to communicate. This is an invitation, Raph.

You know I'd be nosy. Its only fair.

Yeah, but we're doin' alright with that when we try it these days.

[ Even if communication uhhhhh sometimes had to be incited by memory-sharing cacti while they were trying to rest up pre leoxorcism. Snek stuff.

....... but.

Still. ]

I don't do stuff 'cause I think it would be okay to leave you guys behind.

[ look, robo snapper Donnie hit a lil sore spot with that one okay ]

....

It feels like it.

You and Leo...you jump to those conclusions so quickly...

[ Hm. Some thought required. ]

Sometimes there's no time to think. Sometimes there's- there's no good option. Just different bad ones.

[ Sometimes your brother's about to die and you're the only one who can stop it. Sometimes you have to make yourself leave Gram Gram behind, leave your dad behind. Sometimes losing feels better than overpowering some stranger who wouldn't stand a chance and doesn't wanna fight.

(Sometimes there's nothing you can do at all because you're too far away and the last thing your little brother says to you reminds you of all the ways you pushed him towards it.) ]

I guess I don't need to tell you it's selfish too, huh?

Of course I know that. That's why the moral pillars are here.

[He reaches over to the shelf, grabbing a red lined Rubik's cube.]

But it's a different kind of selfish. A want to be something. Over just....the things wanted. [Holding out the cube.]

We give so much to be good people. To help people. Time and energy and health for a world we have to hide from because humans are dumb in a big enough group.

Is it so wrong to want to keep each other at least?

I mean, sometimes I just wanna not feel bad about stuff later. Y'know?

[ It's his sense of identity and he gets to choose what things he hinges it on etc etc. If he's thinking that far ahead in the first place and not just kind of doing a very heart-led yeet at something. ]

'course I don't think that's wrong. Look who you're talkin' to. King Overprotective.

[ And the complex impacts it's had on his familial relationships therein.

Carefully taking the Rubik's cube tho. ]

Scoff. Not wanting to feel bad is just a survival instinct, not a selfish thing.

[He is the ideal. I will do anything and everything it takes to let him continue to be that person.]

I do want to be a hero. I like helping people. I just....

I don't want to give you all up for it. I can't be that generous.

Edited 2023-02-19 20:55 (UTC)

Sometimes Raph's survival instincts and selfish instincts are the same thing!

[ when you're trying to represent yourself in selfishness court but your brother hands you THIS HECKING CUBE???

So he's gotta bury his face in his hands for a minute actually, court in recess. ]

They're really not. Not for you.

You're a really good hero. But I'm also pretty sure being a good brother is a pretty big part of your survival in combination with your just being really tough to take down. Can't stay and keep us alive? You'll leave.

[ Right. Okay. Breaths. Feel feelings about that when it's not infringing on brother saving time. Looking back up, immediately getting confused. ]

Duh! What am I gonna do, stay and not keep you guys alive?

[ (the point)

(raph's head) ]

Which, as a result, keeps you alive because if we're threatened, you're threatened. You're not THAT much tougher than us.

One, rude.

[ Pokes him very gently on the forehead. ]

Two, we're gonna have a talk about that "do whatever to preserve Raph's whatever" cube after we fix you up all the way.

Just saying. [Casey Jr. is the least affectionate when talking about Raph. That says something.]

....what do you think the whatever is, Raph?

[ It says Future Raph did a very cool job and went out first which is the only acceptable order. Source: anonymous-definitely-not-Raph. ]

I dunno, morals? Ethics? [ Those are basically the same thing right. ]

More or less, yes. Though those are different things. I have more ethics then morals.

I never wanted you to have to compromise them.

See, exactly! We gotta hash that out. I don't-

[ Thought bubble moment but it's just a 2D animated scribble wriggling around like this is Elmo's World or something.

It doesn't feel. Good. He doesn't think he likes it. Conceptually. Because he is a hypocrite. ]

I don't got my brain together on that to hash it out yet and you don't got your brain together all the way at all, so I don't think I can do it right now and make whatever point I wanna make. So circle back with me on that one.

...

[He reaches up from where he's probably cradled in Raph arms still.]

[And pats the top of his head.]

You're taking a lot from that, which...fair. But I also wanted you to take away I admire you, Raph.

I just have...complicated feelings.

You should check in with Relations later. I think you should read something. Or have Relations read it for you.

[ Headpat appreciated. Admiration also appreciated. Rumblegrumble, etc., have the world's huffiest big brother nuzzle.

Selfishness Donnie is so baby. He is so tiny. ]

I'll think about it. But I already know you love me, so no promises. [ Is it a flagrant brain crime when your brother literally says hey you should see or hear this thing? Probably not. He'll see where he lands. ] I gotta check on Relations anyway. We need both of you guys back on your feet, right?

You know I love you, but also, mindscape is a lot easier to get my emotions across instead of trying to force it through the broken filter that is between my mouth and any sort of talking that is not obsession or sounding smart based.

But yes. I can act in place of Relations, but Relations makes it a lot easier to gauge between 'thing I want for me' and 'how I make the people I care about happy while getting at least some of thing I want for me.'

[ So it's mostly a communication thing. Maybe a little economizing because Raph's already running around in here so why not get something across, no filter needed, which Raph can't blame him for. Donnie likes efficiency.

And being understood. As many times as he's had to bust stuff down into straightforward A to B terms with Raph, it's the least Raph can do to meet him wherever he puts the goalpost. Which is apparently more towards the A to B end of things, with Relations.

He can't pretend to understand all this stuff or how it works, but if it's gonna help some way or another, either with this corruption thing or just for Donnie in general down the line... sure.

(Plus who can say no about it outright to that face. Impossible.) ]

Right. Is it safe to drop you with robo-Donnie and Mind Raph first, or do you wanna wait until I got Relations back?

[ Have a post-horror tunnel breather and whatnot. ]

Edited (icons pls) 2023-02-20 16:50 (UTC)

[Donnie loves his efficiency. Also Raph needs his validation.]

Oh, no, this is my room.

[He pulls the tablet from his rat hoody pocket and presses a button and there is the sound of a chain clattering and oh look.]

[Suddenly a chain by the bed.]

Let's be fair, I am definitely overprotective, I just need enough self control to not think bunkers are a good idea. [But things like trackers and constant cameras are Totally Legit.]

Oh, cool.

[ Good, even. He'd kinda feel bad if it was like, here you go tiny baby version of my brother, live in the training room holding a robot leash and there's no toys or anything for you in there. Never mind that all this is mostly metaphorical.

He's only just wrapping his mind around the chain being. Also good. Since it's not like Raph Brain doesn't also have some, uhhh....... important restraints put in place for all parties involved. ]

Yeah, not the best plan. Real polished workmanship though. If that helps.

[Sometimes you're overprotective and you need to have Constant Reminders For Why You Should Not Put Everyone In Bubble Wrap In A Padded Room]

Well, of course. I would never make anything that wasn't at least somewhat polished.

A bit too rushed with some people, Eve was definitely for later, and I didn't see Korone getting her pendant back.

[A pause.] Please note, being proud of my ingenuity despite the lackluster resources here does not in anyway indicate approval of said bunker plan. I rather like not self destructing my relationships.

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