othellovonryan

[Self-destructive sounds a bit familiar for sure. After his father wanted nothing more of him, it was far too easy to fall down into his own rabbit hole of self-hatred.]

But we're here for jealousy. Do you think I was jealous of my father?

[It finally hits him.] I was jealous of the baby, the 'proper heir.'

Well, that was more generalized advice from someone whose seen a number of parental issues.

Though it has been shown parental issues can lead to other issues.

Like my current jealousy?

[ Wylan is still keeping far, far away from that inky mud, thank you very much.]

Correct. [There is a Shift in his energy right now.] If a formative relationship made you feel like you were easily left behind, that can transfer to future relationships.

[Then its gone.] So you're worried Jesper will be like your dad. Which...seems unlikely. Jesper seems to be someone who loves fiercely.

[He goes back to the mud and going to touch it, see if he can get a reaction, or feel the jealousy in it.]

[It's true, Jesper does love fiercely, but.]

I suppose I'm worried he'll run out of love. As if it's limited, and there won't be enough left for me.

[With Wylan's words, the mud reaches up to try and ensnare Donnie's arm to drag him in.]

[Ah, yep, expected.]

[The markings on Donnie's body suddenly glow as energy gathers around his hand into the form of a powerful vacuum.]

[Time to try and vacuum it up into a container that seems to build itself right beside him.]

Love is not a finite resource.

Trust me, I truly, and sincerely wish it was, and it is not.

You do? [Wylan seems puzzled by everything Donnie just said, so he stares, and then stares some more.]

It would be a lot easier if I couldn't learn to love more people.

[He's going to tug his arm out of the mud again, trying to suck up more of it.]

I think I have the opposite issue. [Jesper is the only person who has ever loved him, so seeing him with others makes him think he may eventually think like his father.]

You have a hard time caring for others?

No, others have a hard time caring for me. [Whether it's insecurity, jealousy, or a combination of both, but it manifests easily here in this heart game. Wylan dips his head as an imaginary Kaz Brekker walks through with two sheets and then a moment later snatches one away, causing Wylan to flinch. Another scene plays, in an alchemist's lab where a woman with dark skin argues against including him on the team, Jesper joins in on her side.

In yet another scene an explosion goes off, and four heads turn toward him, either to glare, stare, or otherwise damn him before he even gets a chance to explain.]

Oh, that's a whole different problem.

Love isn't a finite resource, but it is a resource that is picky about where it goes per person. I don't love everyone, but as I love someone, it gets fierce quickly.

And as you see, not everyone is going to love everyone. That's just how it works.

I'm a created freak of nature, so as you can probably guess, I am not exactly Mister Popular back home.

But just because most people are small minded doesn't make the people who do love me any less.

[Wylan nods along with Donnie's words. It makes sense. Not everyone is going to love him, even if he were as charming as Jesper. Somehow Jesper loves him, but that doesn't mean Kaz will, or Inej or Nina. Life simply doesn't work that way. He supposes he should stop blaming them and blame himself instead.

That's the message Donnie was trying to get across, right?]

I should be happy with what I have?

I'm saying don't let the fact others not loving you diminish the value of those who do love you.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be more loved so long as you don't view yourself as unlovable just because some people don't like you.

Because people do love you, and that is precious, isn't it?

[Looks at him, raising an eyebrow.]

It is. [Wylan holds his hands over his heart.] It is very precious to me.

So that's what should matter, shouldn't it?

[He gestures to where Kaz, the woman, and the other scientists are.]

These people don't matter. Would it be nice to be liked? Of course. Does it hurt when they don't? Yes, that is true too.

But they are not the ones who have already chosen you. They are not the ones who matter where it really counts. They will not be there when you are sad, when you're happy, need support, want to share good things. Those people are moments.

The ones who love you are part of you. They are the ones whose opinions should shape you.

[An imaginary Jesper steps out of the line of people and moves toward Wylan, taking his hand. With a smile Wylan first beams up at Jesper and then over at Donnie.] You're right. Thank you.

Of course. I may not be the best with emotions most of the time.

[There are flickers of blue red yellow orange (like he was before) grey greygold]

But I understand the value of those who really matter.

Also.

Fuck your dad, throw him in a ditch.

[It's stil something that will take time to really take hold, to dig in beneath a surface of never quite feeling good enough, but for now this feels like progress and it's something, which is better than the nothing he came in with.

The comment about his father earns a giggle.]

Back home there's no room to dig any more ditches, so we say to 'throw them in the canal.'

Hm, also valid for a human. Obviously not the thing I jump to for disposing of a body. [Hm, is the other Wylan here in the mud?]

If no one's told you, parental love is unconditional. If a parent has conditions on their kid, they're the ones who are wrong.

[The other Wylan is indeed deep in the mud!

The mention of parental love immediately drops Wylan's smile and he turns away. He's been told his entire life how wrong he is, how stupid he is, and recently how this new heir will fix everything, how it's now time for Wylan to disappear like the Wylan stuck in the mud.]

[With a very soft voice,] Every tutor, every scholar, every... everyone who tried to help me would disagree. It was my fault for being too stupid.

Were all those 'everyones' hired or beholden to your father in some way? [Sucking up more if the mud, metal arms coming out of the shell of his back to help pull him out.]

They were hired by him, yes. But in Ketterdam everyone is beholden to someone else. They couldn't all be wrong.

[He's not sure why he keeps insisting or if he thinks hearing Donnie agree with his father's voice will somehow be a relief.

The Wylan sunk into the mud finally reaches out and makes contact with Donnie's metal arms, clinging to them for life. Wylan watches from further back, wonders if that's what he looks like to everyone else right now: desperate for purpose, clinging to the first people who talk to him, and sick for home where everything is as he can predict it with equations.]

Here is the thing about terrible parents who make their love conditional; the lot of them have control issues. Every single one.

They aren't going to hire someone they can't control, who will contradict them. The moment someone does, they're gone.

Also you're a chemist. You can't be dumb. [The metal arms are careful. Their grip is made in such a way to be firm, but not bruising. A fine tuned thing, over years of having used them to show affection when his sensory issues refused to let him Touch.]

[Sucking up more and more mud to help pull him out.]

And if we want to go with public opinion, my city thought my brothers and I were a menace and a danger. People in a crowd are generally negative and cynical and easy to sway.

[With the removal of more mud, the other Wylan can almost climb out by himself, but he needs that extra help from Donnie to finally breathe again in gasps of lungfuls of air. Wylan continues to watch him struggle, almost jealous of this imaginary self conquer this struggle. His hand tightens in the imaginary Jesper's, who squeezes right back.]

You think he hired only people he thought would insult me? Do... do you think he wanted me gone from the moment I showed any difficulty?

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