othellovonryan

Of course. I may not be the best with emotions most of the time.

[There are flickers of blue red yellow orange (like he was before) grey greygold]

But I understand the value of those who really matter.

Also.

Fuck your dad, throw him in a ditch.

[It's stil something that will take time to really take hold, to dig in beneath a surface of never quite feeling good enough, but for now this feels like progress and it's something, which is better than the nothing he came in with.

The comment about his father earns a giggle.]

Back home there's no room to dig any more ditches, so we say to 'throw them in the canal.'

Hm, also valid for a human. Obviously not the thing I jump to for disposing of a body. [Hm, is the other Wylan here in the mud?]

If no one's told you, parental love is unconditional. If a parent has conditions on their kid, they're the ones who are wrong.

[The other Wylan is indeed deep in the mud!

The mention of parental love immediately drops Wylan's smile and he turns away. He's been told his entire life how wrong he is, how stupid he is, and recently how this new heir will fix everything, how it's now time for Wylan to disappear like the Wylan stuck in the mud.]

[With a very soft voice,] Every tutor, every scholar, every... everyone who tried to help me would disagree. It was my fault for being too stupid.

Were all those 'everyones' hired or beholden to your father in some way? [Sucking up more if the mud, metal arms coming out of the shell of his back to help pull him out.]

They were hired by him, yes. But in Ketterdam everyone is beholden to someone else. They couldn't all be wrong.

[He's not sure why he keeps insisting or if he thinks hearing Donnie agree with his father's voice will somehow be a relief.

The Wylan sunk into the mud finally reaches out and makes contact with Donnie's metal arms, clinging to them for life. Wylan watches from further back, wonders if that's what he looks like to everyone else right now: desperate for purpose, clinging to the first people who talk to him, and sick for home where everything is as he can predict it with equations.]

Here is the thing about terrible parents who make their love conditional; the lot of them have control issues. Every single one.

They aren't going to hire someone they can't control, who will contradict them. The moment someone does, they're gone.

Also you're a chemist. You can't be dumb. [The metal arms are careful. Their grip is made in such a way to be firm, but not bruising. A fine tuned thing, over years of having used them to show affection when his sensory issues refused to let him Touch.]

[Sucking up more and more mud to help pull him out.]

And if we want to go with public opinion, my city thought my brothers and I were a menace and a danger. People in a crowd are generally negative and cynical and easy to sway.

[With the removal of more mud, the other Wylan can almost climb out by himself, but he needs that extra help from Donnie to finally breathe again in gasps of lungfuls of air. Wylan continues to watch him struggle, almost jealous of this imaginary self conquer this struggle. His hand tightens in the imaginary Jesper's, who squeezes right back.]

You think he hired only people he thought would insult me? Do... do you think he wanted me gone from the moment I showed any difficulty?

That I couldn't say for sure.

What I can say for sure is that need for control expands to the children.

And it's a lot easier to control someone who thinks they have no value if they can't please their parent.

[He checks over the manifestation Wylan, laying him on his side to recover.]

I'm see it several times now.

He was the head of a financial dynasty. He needed a proper heir. And I wasn't... I wasn't what he wanted.

[The muddy Wylan is still focused on breathing that he doesn't bother listening to their conversation or really notice there's another version of him.]

Will he be alright? [Wylan asks, tilting his head to look at the other Wylan.]

Yyyyeah, the thing about being a bad parent is you never think YOUR actions are why the kid is a mess. He will think he's blameless for everything so he will keep being a terrible person. If he raises a 'proper' heir, it'll only be because the kid manages to thread the needle of submissive enough to soothe his control issues and mimics him enough to project they're what he thinks is proper. And manages to survive like that long enough for him to die.

I'd keep an eye on your baby sibling. I would advise 'kidnap for their safety' be left on the table.

He should be recovering now that he's out of the mud. He doesn't sound like he has mud in his lungs. [Looks into the hole to see how much mud is there.]

And can read. [Wylan glances away to the muddy Wylan again, who coughs thick and heavy once or twice before expelling what seems to be the little bit of mud in his lungs. The hole seems to be just that, a hole, now. The mud has dried over like a scab, covering a much deeper wound. Wylan leads the imaginary Jesper over to toward the muddy Wylan and squats down beside him. He reaches his hand holding Jesper's out to the muddy Wylan.] He needs him more than me right now.

You're a chemist, but you can't read? [Surprised.]

....I have flashcards if you want. I've been helping someone else learn to read with them. And I helped teach my brothers when we were kids

[Donnie slaps his back to help him get that mud out, rubbing his back to help him calm down after.]

[He hums and moves out of the way.]

How is your jealousy feeling now? Was it just the mud or do I need to make sure a Jesper and Wylan are being affectionate?

I use other markings and memorize their placement in a rack. I used a distillery mostly.

[The imaginary Jesper kneels down by the muddy Wylan to also rub soothing circles on his back.]

I want to be back with my Jesper, but I can't hug him. Another taboo, easier to dodge.

[There's a touch of jealousy at watching the two interact, though, as Jesper wraps an arm around muddy Wylan and does just the thing Wylan can't. Oh that stings.]

More how that worked out education wise. Reading is usually basics and then chemistry comes later on. Was it an apprenticeship? What year are you from?

Huh. So don't be jealous, and don't hug people. A challenging combo of taboos. At least if you're not used to finding work arounds for hugs.

[Anymore mud appearing.]

I can't always touch people, but my family is....aggressively physically affectionate, so I found my own work arounds to express affection without needing to do the same. Its actually part of why I made this. [He taps the shell on his back that had the arms come out.] There are ways to show that affection, it just takes practice and understanding.

Chemistry and math are equations and formulas, they make sense. Letters look like insect legs that twitch and change shape on the page.

[There are a couple final spurts, but when Wylan turns away from the imaginary Wylan and Jesper, it comes to a still.] I never experienced much of either until recently, but not I can't seem to escape either. The jealousy is the most prevelent.

Ooooh.

You're dyslexic.

I mean...affection isn't a bad thing to not escape from. That is just setting up boundaries.

Also I'm pretty sure your jealousy is tied to some deeper issues. Work on those, and it should help lessen the jealousy overall.

[Sucking up more of the mud.]

[And going to alter the cannister.]

[And then incinerate the mud.]

I'm what? [Diz-lex-ik?] What is that?

[But oh it is satisfying to watch the mud go up in flames. He can ignore his mirror self laying on the floor for the flames that lick up and down the incinerator.]

Will it be at least handled for the day?

Dyslexia is a learning disorder that involves difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how they relate to letters and words, AKA decoding. Also called a reading disability, dyslexia is a result of individual differences in areas of the brain that process language.

In short, there is wiring in your brain that makes it hard to understand how symbols relate to spoken words.

Perhaps. We'll test.

[He's going to kiss the top of not!Jesper's head.]

Any jealousy?

Oh. [So he has dislexia. He's never heard of it, but now it has a name, this affliction that's caused him so much grief in his life.] I'm not stupid?

[He watches as Donnie... kisses the top of the imaginary Jesper's head and where he would have either vomited in a vase or otherwise reacted, Wylan is still, peaceful even.] No, there's nothing.

[It does make Wylan want to go kiss this Jesper or his own Jesper or any Jesper that might exist anywhere, but other than that, nothing.] I just want to go find my Jesper and kiss him.

No. [Immediate and firm.] Its actually a fairly common disorder. There are a number of communication based disorders that are hard to work around if you're not aware there is a pattern to it.

Sometimes I go nonverbal when stressed out. [And stress happens enough in this place that, if Wylan is visiting him every morning, he's going to encounter. And better to establish its a thing if he can't read and he won't be able to explain it then.] I'm one of the smartest, if not the smartest, people on my world and sometimes people talking to me is just gibberish and I can't make words come out. It has nothing to do with intelligence, its just something is wired weird in the brain that makes it harder than normal.

Excellent. [He claps his hands.] Then I just need to incinerate the mud every morning and make sure mind Jesper and mind Wylan are together.

[Wylan chews on his lip, considering everything Donnie's telling him. He's not alone in feeling strange and stupid.]

That's how books look to me. They all look like gibberish. My father... he said he couldn't send me to a seminary because I would give myself away. He could not put me on a shelf because I would spoil like a fruit.

[But that is for another day. For now, his jealousy seems to be settled. Every morning, report to Donnie, incinerate the mud, reunify mind Jesper and mind Wylan.] Thank you Donnie.

It if the unfortunate thing that some people are just assholes about these differences and are unwilling to make perfectly reasonable accommodations for them. Lack of knowing the words is no excuse, my family didn't have the words for it when I was a child, they just knew 'Donnie is like that sometimes' and figured out what made those times easier.

So the failing was on him for not being able to figure things out, or hire people with enough intelligence to figure it out.

There are ways to make it easier to decode. A big part is taking your time.

Of course. I am here to help.

[Wylan softly smiles at Donnie. It's nice not to feel so different from others, that there's simply something wrong with his brain and not a moral failing on his part. Learning what all the insect legs mean would still require a great deal of further work from him when he's just trying to adapt to the temple.]

I'll see you tomorrow?

Of course.

Do you want me to put together what I remember about how to help those with your condition learn to read?

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