othellovonryan

I think I have the opposite issue. [Jesper is the only person who has ever loved him, so seeing him with others makes him think he may eventually think like his father.]

You have a hard time caring for others?

No, others have a hard time caring for me. [Whether it's insecurity, jealousy, or a combination of both, but it manifests easily here in this heart game. Wylan dips his head as an imaginary Kaz Brekker walks through with two sheets and then a moment later snatches one away, causing Wylan to flinch. Another scene plays, in an alchemist's lab where a woman with dark skin argues against including him on the team, Jesper joins in on her side.

In yet another scene an explosion goes off, and four heads turn toward him, either to glare, stare, or otherwise damn him before he even gets a chance to explain.]

Oh, that's a whole different problem.

Love isn't a finite resource, but it is a resource that is picky about where it goes per person. I don't love everyone, but as I love someone, it gets fierce quickly.

And as you see, not everyone is going to love everyone. That's just how it works.

I'm a created freak of nature, so as you can probably guess, I am not exactly Mister Popular back home.

But just because most people are small minded doesn't make the people who do love me any less.

[Wylan nods along with Donnie's words. It makes sense. Not everyone is going to love him, even if he were as charming as Jesper. Somehow Jesper loves him, but that doesn't mean Kaz will, or Inej or Nina. Life simply doesn't work that way. He supposes he should stop blaming them and blame himself instead.

That's the message Donnie was trying to get across, right?]

I should be happy with what I have?

I'm saying don't let the fact others not loving you diminish the value of those who do love you.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be more loved so long as you don't view yourself as unlovable just because some people don't like you.

Because people do love you, and that is precious, isn't it?

[Looks at him, raising an eyebrow.]

It is. [Wylan holds his hands over his heart.] It is very precious to me.

So that's what should matter, shouldn't it?

[He gestures to where Kaz, the woman, and the other scientists are.]

These people don't matter. Would it be nice to be liked? Of course. Does it hurt when they don't? Yes, that is true too.

But they are not the ones who have already chosen you. They are not the ones who matter where it really counts. They will not be there when you are sad, when you're happy, need support, want to share good things. Those people are moments.

The ones who love you are part of you. They are the ones whose opinions should shape you.

[An imaginary Jesper steps out of the line of people and moves toward Wylan, taking his hand. With a smile Wylan first beams up at Jesper and then over at Donnie.] You're right. Thank you.

Of course. I may not be the best with emotions most of the time.

[There are flickers of blue red yellow orange (like he was before) grey greygold]

But I understand the value of those who really matter.

Also.

Fuck your dad, throw him in a ditch.

[It's stil something that will take time to really take hold, to dig in beneath a surface of never quite feeling good enough, but for now this feels like progress and it's something, which is better than the nothing he came in with.

The comment about his father earns a giggle.]

Back home there's no room to dig any more ditches, so we say to 'throw them in the canal.'

Hm, also valid for a human. Obviously not the thing I jump to for disposing of a body. [Hm, is the other Wylan here in the mud?]

If no one's told you, parental love is unconditional. If a parent has conditions on their kid, they're the ones who are wrong.

[The other Wylan is indeed deep in the mud!

The mention of parental love immediately drops Wylan's smile and he turns away. He's been told his entire life how wrong he is, how stupid he is, and recently how this new heir will fix everything, how it's now time for Wylan to disappear like the Wylan stuck in the mud.]

[With a very soft voice,] Every tutor, every scholar, every... everyone who tried to help me would disagree. It was my fault for being too stupid.

Were all those 'everyones' hired or beholden to your father in some way? [Sucking up more if the mud, metal arms coming out of the shell of his back to help pull him out.]

They were hired by him, yes. But in Ketterdam everyone is beholden to someone else. They couldn't all be wrong.

[He's not sure why he keeps insisting or if he thinks hearing Donnie agree with his father's voice will somehow be a relief.

The Wylan sunk into the mud finally reaches out and makes contact with Donnie's metal arms, clinging to them for life. Wylan watches from further back, wonders if that's what he looks like to everyone else right now: desperate for purpose, clinging to the first people who talk to him, and sick for home where everything is as he can predict it with equations.]

Here is the thing about terrible parents who make their love conditional; the lot of them have control issues. Every single one.

They aren't going to hire someone they can't control, who will contradict them. The moment someone does, they're gone.

Also you're a chemist. You can't be dumb. [The metal arms are careful. Their grip is made in such a way to be firm, but not bruising. A fine tuned thing, over years of having used them to show affection when his sensory issues refused to let him Touch.]

[Sucking up more and more mud to help pull him out.]

And if we want to go with public opinion, my city thought my brothers and I were a menace and a danger. People in a crowd are generally negative and cynical and easy to sway.

[With the removal of more mud, the other Wylan can almost climb out by himself, but he needs that extra help from Donnie to finally breathe again in gasps of lungfuls of air. Wylan continues to watch him struggle, almost jealous of this imaginary self conquer this struggle. His hand tightens in the imaginary Jesper's, who squeezes right back.]

You think he hired only people he thought would insult me? Do... do you think he wanted me gone from the moment I showed any difficulty?

That I couldn't say for sure.

What I can say for sure is that need for control expands to the children.

And it's a lot easier to control someone who thinks they have no value if they can't please their parent.

[He checks over the manifestation Wylan, laying him on his side to recover.]

I'm see it several times now.

He was the head of a financial dynasty. He needed a proper heir. And I wasn't... I wasn't what he wanted.

[The muddy Wylan is still focused on breathing that he doesn't bother listening to their conversation or really notice there's another version of him.]

Will he be alright? [Wylan asks, tilting his head to look at the other Wylan.]

Yyyyeah, the thing about being a bad parent is you never think YOUR actions are why the kid is a mess. He will think he's blameless for everything so he will keep being a terrible person. If he raises a 'proper' heir, it'll only be because the kid manages to thread the needle of submissive enough to soothe his control issues and mimics him enough to project they're what he thinks is proper. And manages to survive like that long enough for him to die.

I'd keep an eye on your baby sibling. I would advise 'kidnap for their safety' be left on the table.

He should be recovering now that he's out of the mud. He doesn't sound like he has mud in his lungs. [Looks into the hole to see how much mud is there.]

And can read. [Wylan glances away to the muddy Wylan again, who coughs thick and heavy once or twice before expelling what seems to be the little bit of mud in his lungs. The hole seems to be just that, a hole, now. The mud has dried over like a scab, covering a much deeper wound. Wylan leads the imaginary Jesper over to toward the muddy Wylan and squats down beside him. He reaches his hand holding Jesper's out to the muddy Wylan.] He needs him more than me right now.

You're a chemist, but you can't read? [Surprised.]

....I have flashcards if you want. I've been helping someone else learn to read with them. And I helped teach my brothers when we were kids

[Donnie slaps his back to help him get that mud out, rubbing his back to help him calm down after.]

[He hums and moves out of the way.]

How is your jealousy feeling now? Was it just the mud or do I need to make sure a Jesper and Wylan are being affectionate?

I use other markings and memorize their placement in a rack. I used a distillery mostly.

[The imaginary Jesper kneels down by the muddy Wylan to also rub soothing circles on his back.]

I want to be back with my Jesper, but I can't hug him. Another taboo, easier to dodge.

[There's a touch of jealousy at watching the two interact, though, as Jesper wraps an arm around muddy Wylan and does just the thing Wylan can't. Oh that stings.]

More how that worked out education wise. Reading is usually basics and then chemistry comes later on. Was it an apprenticeship? What year are you from?

Huh. So don't be jealous, and don't hug people. A challenging combo of taboos. At least if you're not used to finding work arounds for hugs.

[Anymore mud appearing.]

I can't always touch people, but my family is....aggressively physically affectionate, so I found my own work arounds to express affection without needing to do the same. Its actually part of why I made this. [He taps the shell on his back that had the arms come out.] There are ways to show that affection, it just takes practice and understanding.

Chemistry and math are equations and formulas, they make sense. Letters look like insect legs that twitch and change shape on the page.

[There are a couple final spurts, but when Wylan turns away from the imaginary Wylan and Jesper, it comes to a still.] I never experienced much of either until recently, but not I can't seem to escape either. The jealousy is the most prevelent.

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