othellovonryan | (no subject)

(no subject)

Noise

It starts as just irritation. A metaphorical crawling under your skin. Things are too noisy, too bright, there is too much happening all the time and you can't take it all in-

Then silence it, make it yours, make it you, take control and destroy what will not submit

It sounds so inviting, a freedom from the noise, but its wrong, its wrong, its wrong and the noise is getting louder, mechanical and foreboding as it sees you, it knows you are there, and it wants to make you apart of it.

Anatawa hitorijanai

For a moment, there is quiet.

You breathe.

And fall through water.

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Cold.

[He sits up.]

Sorry 'bout that. It's the plan that had the highest chance of succeeding.

[ So like, he's not as sorry as he COULD be. ]

Would I be right in guessing you're Selfishness?

[He nods his head, looking up at Crow.]

Why did you help? Don't you hate me? I hurt you, I'm not supposed to hurt friends, that's how you lose friends.

[ Crow blinks at him, taken aback. ]

[ And then he laughs. It's not harsh laughter, it's startled but it's gentle. ]

Aidios, are you serious? You mean with the whole "kidnapping" thing? I won't lie and tell you I'm not mad about it, but I could tell something was wrong. And besides....

[ He taps the kid's chest, right where the heart would be (for a human, at least. IDK my BFF turtle biology). ]

Intentions mean a lot. And I know you were trying to protect them.

Edited 2023-02-13 06:15 (UTC)

[Eh, close enough for where his heart is.]

I always want to protect all of you. That's what Protectiveness is supposed to do, to make plans, but I know I'm not supposed to cross certain lines.

If I cross those lines, then people won't like me.

[ "All of you" is going to get mentally skipped right over because including Crow in protection is so utterly alien he can't even process it. ]

It's true it'll piss people off. It could even cross lines you don't normally wanna cross. But you'd be surprised at people's capacity for forgiveness.

You haven't done anything unforgivable. Not yet. If you give them a heartfelt apology and show with your actions that you'll try to learn and do better, I think you'll find that the people who care about you will understand.

And as for me? I don't hate you. Not for this or anything else that you've done. In some ways, I even understand you.

I know. That's why I like you. I don't meet a lot of people who get it and aren't...you know...

Supervillains.

There's probably people in my world who would categorize me as a supervillain.

[ Just saying. ]

But I get what you mean. Anyway.... Just keep trusting your loved ones. Listen to them. They'll keep you from going off the ledge.

I do. That's...

That's what I always do. I want to be someone they like. Someone they're proud of and want to be around. People they trust.

Even if it means I don't do everything I can to protect them...

[ Crow's quiet for a moment while he considers. ]

It hurts, doesn't it? That you want to do more, keep them from feeling pain, but you can't.

But think about it this way: That holding back? It's also a form of protecting them. Their happiness, their emotional well-being. Their souls. Those are important parts of them, too. You can't always stop them from being hurt, but you can be there for them. Even if you don't have the right words, even if you don't know the right actions. Sometimes, just being by someone's side... it's enough.

And that's a form of protection, too.

[Kid Donnie pulls up his legs, wrapping his arms around them.]

...April would say stuff like that. The others don't articulate it as well, but April is pretty good at explaining things when none of them are.

She got mad once, when I got protective of her. She's human. She's so much easier to hurt than the rest of us, but she still wanted to play with us.

[He laughs sheepishly.] She said stuff that was really familiar. That was the first time she learned I had a soft shell.

Sounds like April's got her head on straight.

[ He nudges Donnie very lightly, a smile on his face. ]

It's good you've got someone like her in your life.

It is. She's my best friend. I don't think we can quantify the amount of good she's done for our whole family.

But she's done a lot for me specifically.

I...don't want to make people feel like they can't handle dangerous things. It's maddening when people treat you like glass.

I know. Tossing people in bunkers isn't your usual MO. I think everyone else knows it, too.

Just don't dwell too much on it. Let 'em know you're sorry and you'll keep trying. And then do it. And maybe you'll falter, you won't be perfect. None of us ever are. But as long as you show people you're willing to keep trying, I think you'll find their capacity for forgiveness and understanding is vast.

....for someone who says he doesn't want friends anymore, you do sound very confident on how to friendship well.

[The child might be teasing you Crow]

[ Crow laughs at that. ]

Well.... I understand friendship pretty well. I just... I have my reasons for not wanting them for myself.

I want to be your friend.

[What is a filter, that don't exist in this room]

[ Goddess dammit, why did you have to say that with a CHILD FACE? ]

You.... do get that I'm going to die when I go home, right? You'll just end up getting yourself hurt.

If you missed what I was getting at, I used to be treated like glass because I was a lot easier to hurt than my brothers, and I hated it, which was great for my learning to not do that to other people.

When, you know, a snake and Kraang memories aren't corrupting me.

I got it. It's my own selfish desire, not wanting to leave behind people to miss me.

.....But if it's what you want, I won't stop you.

Everyone deserves to be missed.

But good. Because you can't stop me. I am an unstoppable hurricane when I have decided I care about something.

It's not really about "deserves." But I get it, and I won't try and stop Hurricane Donnie from happening.

[He smiles at that.]

[And then he looks at the photos, the smile fading.]

I really made a mess, didn't I?

Yeah, you did. But it's not beyond repair.

[ He bops Donatello lightly.... somewhere near where a nose should be. IDK my bff turtle biology, part 2. ]

You'll get your chance to try. Reach out halfway, and trust that everyone else will close the distance.

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