othellovonryan

[Wylan glances behind him every now and then, as if he expects wash to suddenly spring up, scruff him, and drag him back to Minnow. The judgment from Donnie is not exceptionally helpful either.

Still, there's space and he needs to enjoy this space while he can. Hopefully it'll be easier to talk with Donnie than Wash, won't have to listen to stories of how even the most incompetent squad member was able to help when Wylan is so clearly different. How Kaz only hired him because of who his father is, or how his father threw him away so easily because he can't read. When will that happen with his team? Why not make a decision for himself and decide when his tenure with Minnow ends?]

[He leads Wylan into his room. Its not any bigger, but its certainly been filled out with stuff. There is a...stupid amount of blankets and pillows on the bed, and nearby, blankets adhered to the wall and back of the door as sound proofing. There's numerous desk and tables that are covered in random parts of various projects he's working on, and an armoire with a mirror.]

[And two rolly chairs because he has guests sometimes.]

[He takes a seat in a chair and picks up something to fiddle with.]

Should I be monitoring your emotional state for this talk?

[Wylan settles in the chair, his shoulders slumped, regarding Donnie with confusion.]

Do you have to? I just wanted to talk to a friend.

I don't have to, but my ability to read emotions without it is extremely low and I have been known to both misread and be misunderstood when it comes to emotions. But generally if people are willing to give me the benefit of a doubt and assume a more positive interpretation, as well as being upfront on their end, things go more smoothly.

It takes a while for me to figure out how people tick. [He pulls out his phone and sets it on the desk, just so he can see the messages while he fiddles.] A very long while. It was part of why I was in favor of Egg's boon.

[A pause.]

We're friends?

Oh. [Wylan shifts in his chair, watching Donnie with his phone before nodding.] Alright, if it helps you, then yes.

[And then another frown.] Of course we're friends. You've helped me so much and I helped you in the game. Or I tried to, in case you were there. For the one round I survived.

[There's some deep-seeded sence of self-loathing and a sense of incompetence that rises to the top of his emotions. ] Did Tryse tell you there were nine rounds and everyone survived until then except for me? I died the very first round.

[Again, more of that self-hate pours right out, splashing around his insides like acid.]

I've tried to tell Wash that Minnow deserves a better teammate, but he doesn't listen.

It does, yes. Its part of my inability to decode things. Like you and letters. People are my letters.

[He grimaces.] An early loss is always difficult, but that is...that is good to hear. Robin's Egg is not always considered outside of my brothers' teams. Thank you for looking out for my teammates.

[A pause.] I would like to be friends. Friends are nice.

[Oh. Oh, that is a lot of intense feelings, huh?]

[Donnie tilts his head, fiddling with the device.] Tryse is the one I'm texting. [So that's that.] That is a surprise. If nothing else, Salamander usually gets aggressive, if not Rabbit, Finch, or....well, Minnow can be. If nothing else, usually mistakes occur even if teams are trying to minimize death.

I am unsurprised at Wash's reaction, however.

Friends, then. If my friendship can provide anything worthwhile to you.

[Because he's so used to everything being conditional and his conversation with Finch only seemed to prove it. His existence means nothing. Wylan looks down at his feet.]

I'm surprised he still wants me after... [Wylan shakes his head, feeling he's sinking deeper and deeper into his sense of worthlessness.] Knowing what happened, after seeing what I'm capable even outside the game. I was going to remove my ribbon, but he said it will result in Qhyone devouring me.

[Sigh.] There has to be a way. Kaz only hired me because of my father. Jesper didn't want me as a Crow at first. My father never wanted me.

[Wylan's leaning forward on his knees, burying his face in his hands.] I can't do anything right. Minnow deserves a better teammate.

...I am mostly sure friendship isn't about worthwhile things. That sounds like a thing April would say.

[A pause.] I think I see how he was being misunderstood.

[There is a pause, fiddling with the parts in his hands.]

You know, when I first met Wash, I couldn't talk. It was a nonverbal day. I almost had a heart attack when I saw him as well. Absolutely freaked out and he had to try and get me to calm down through a torrent of feelings when words were beyond me.

You see, I had been subject to something like the mindscape thing, except I couldn't remember anything of what others did in mine. All I remembered were the memories they shared to help remove a corruption.

I had a very clear memory of Wash. And I had a lot of other feelings that went against that very memory because I could remember what Choco shared, but I couldn't remember the source of the rest of her feelings.

[Wylan doesn't know who April is and doesn't ask, instead watching Donnie with his own barely-contained freakout. Wash is a big brother type to everyone, it seems. It makes sense that he would be a big brother to Wylan as well. There's nothing special about him.

There's nothing special about him.

Wylan drops his head further, looking at his ribbon. sincerely tempted to rip it right off here and now.]

There's nothing special about me.

[With that whispered answer, Wylan supposes he should probably return to Minnow, face Wash's wrath, and then tear off his ribbon once Wash finally falls asleep. That way no one feels bad about it.]

I'm not done. And what did I say about assuming a more positive interpretation?

That is just laying out the groundwork so you know I'm not saying this out of nothing. I'm not saying this because I know Wash so well. I'm speaking from the perspective of his little sister, who does know him well.

So I need you to step back from jumping to conclusions and listen, all right?

[Wylan, at this point, is leaning over the edge, looking down into long fall. However, he will quiet down, press his lips into a thin line and listen to Donnie continue.]

...

Wash has been hurt.

Badly.

And there is a part of him deep inside him that wants to self destruct. There is a part of him that views himself as a poison, only doomed to destroy everything good around him, and be left behind to suffer alone. A part that tells him to push away, lash out, at all those good things away because its better if they hate him because then at least they won't have to suffer the consequences of being close to him.

You understand what that's like?

Don't you?

Edited 2023-08-02 01:50 (UTC)

[Wylan sucks in a breath and nods. Yeah he does know what that's like. He's experiencing it right now and has many times before.]

...that part still exists.

It was a memory of Choco in his mindscape, his heart, his soul. Its a part of him. Not a small, idle thought, but significant enough to have its own room. At the time, Choco knew she was the one who had to go into that room because she was the only one at the time who had a chance to walk out alive. Anyone else would have been killed for sure.

He still has to deal with those dark thoughts, those emotions.

Would you wish the feelings you're experiencing right now on someone else?

Barring anyone you may hate specifically, of course.

No, I wouldn't.

[Wylan murmurs quietly, knotting his hands together. He still has a very clear idea of what he needs to do and it involves his ribbon whenever Wash isn't looking.]

I think I know what I need to do now.

...then say it aloud, because your emotions say otherwise.

Edited 2023-08-02 02:03 (UTC)

[Wylan chews on his lip. The last thing he wants is to reveal his plan. So he tries to force some calm through his body. He'll finally be free here soon. That's something to look forward.]

I'll talk with Wash about how he handles those bad emotions. [Wylan is literally the worst liar in the world, but he's trying to keep that emotion out of his body. Focus on the peace, the upcoming oblivion, everything his father wanted for him.]

[He frowns.]

[The difference between trying to interpret on the outside and feeling it on the inside is quite different, and its very noticeable he's trying to shift his emotions around and he's concentrating on the smaller things. Like being able to tell when someone is trying to lie because Donnie is also a terrible liar and he Knows What That Feels Like.]

This isn't about how you can help Wash, Wylan. Wash is a grown man whose aware of his own demons and is at least doing his best to handle them. That's why he is actively trying to make connections and care about people.

Its why he's trying to help you. He doesn't want you to believe you're a poison. Also because he almost is definitely fond of you. I think you qualify for the 'he would be adopted so fast' tier.

....okay, let's try something different. Stop trying to hide your emotions, I know what numbing feels like, that's how I deal with stress.

I think you need to think without them for a few minutes because you're did exactly what I told you not to do.

Edited 2023-08-02 02:14 (UTC)

[Wylan isn't quite sure what it is he did wrong until Donnie mentions trying to hide his emotions. He swallows wipes his face. He's truly trying to calm himself so he can return to Minnow and seem better enough for Wash to leave him alone.

He sighs and tightens his hold on his own fingers.]

I am a poison.

You are not.

[He sets down the project and he rolls over to Wylan and holds out his hands.]

Let me clear your mind. So you can think.

[It just so happens that at that moment, the phantom needle returns and Wylan shakes his head in obvious fear as he claps a hand over the side of his neck.]

No, no, don't. [And there it is again, the needle sliding beneath his skin, a foreign substance injected, and then the knowledge that he'll die in a matter of moments.] Don't. Don't.

...

[Oh, he's seen that.]

[Pivots around him, reaches into his night stand, and pulls out a length of fabric, a blue scarf, and holds it out to him.]

[Wylan shakes his head, the fear still rampant in his system as he shuts his eyes and waits for the substance to kill him. It takes a few minutes, but when the sensation passes, so does the fear and he can take in deep breathes again, his heart pounding as he re-opens his eyes to see Donnie again with the scarf.

Maybe. No. He doesn't want anything around his neck, not even to possibly hurt himself later.]

Sorry.

If you're sure. I know it helps...others.

[He lowers his hand.]

If that happens again, I'm taking away the fear and panic. I'm guessing either the PTSD is settling in, or the game consequence isn't letting you forget it.

Also.

Bold of you to call yourself a poison when you helped protect my team. Frankly very rude.

[Wylan breathes through the fear and pain and focuses himself on Donnie again. He seems to get a little disoriented every time this happens and right now he really should be getting back to Minnow after an attack like that.]

I should get back to Minnow. [ His words are a little distant, his tongue clumsy as he slowly releases his neck.] Thank you, Donnie.

If Wash lets me, can I come back tomorrow?

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