othellovonryan

[Wylan doesn't know who April is and doesn't ask, instead watching Donnie with his own barely-contained freakout. Wash is a big brother type to everyone, it seems. It makes sense that he would be a big brother to Wylan as well. There's nothing special about him.

There's nothing special about him.

Wylan drops his head further, looking at his ribbon. sincerely tempted to rip it right off here and now.]

There's nothing special about me.

[With that whispered answer, Wylan supposes he should probably return to Minnow, face Wash's wrath, and then tear off his ribbon once Wash finally falls asleep. That way no one feels bad about it.]

I'm not done. And what did I say about assuming a more positive interpretation?

That is just laying out the groundwork so you know I'm not saying this out of nothing. I'm not saying this because I know Wash so well. I'm speaking from the perspective of his little sister, who does know him well.

So I need you to step back from jumping to conclusions and listen, all right?

[Wylan, at this point, is leaning over the edge, looking down into long fall. However, he will quiet down, press his lips into a thin line and listen to Donnie continue.]

...

Wash has been hurt.

Badly.

And there is a part of him deep inside him that wants to self destruct. There is a part of him that views himself as a poison, only doomed to destroy everything good around him, and be left behind to suffer alone. A part that tells him to push away, lash out, at all those good things away because its better if they hate him because then at least they won't have to suffer the consequences of being close to him.

You understand what that's like?

Don't you?

Edited 2023-08-02 01:50 (UTC)

[Wylan sucks in a breath and nods. Yeah he does know what that's like. He's experiencing it right now and has many times before.]

...that part still exists.

It was a memory of Choco in his mindscape, his heart, his soul. Its a part of him. Not a small, idle thought, but significant enough to have its own room. At the time, Choco knew she was the one who had to go into that room because she was the only one at the time who had a chance to walk out alive. Anyone else would have been killed for sure.

He still has to deal with those dark thoughts, those emotions.

Would you wish the feelings you're experiencing right now on someone else?

Barring anyone you may hate specifically, of course.

No, I wouldn't.

[Wylan murmurs quietly, knotting his hands together. He still has a very clear idea of what he needs to do and it involves his ribbon whenever Wash isn't looking.]

I think I know what I need to do now.

...then say it aloud, because your emotions say otherwise.

Edited 2023-08-02 02:03 (UTC)

[Wylan chews on his lip. The last thing he wants is to reveal his plan. So he tries to force some calm through his body. He'll finally be free here soon. That's something to look forward.]

I'll talk with Wash about how he handles those bad emotions. [Wylan is literally the worst liar in the world, but he's trying to keep that emotion out of his body. Focus on the peace, the upcoming oblivion, everything his father wanted for him.]

[He frowns.]

[The difference between trying to interpret on the outside and feeling it on the inside is quite different, and its very noticeable he's trying to shift his emotions around and he's concentrating on the smaller things. Like being able to tell when someone is trying to lie because Donnie is also a terrible liar and he Knows What That Feels Like.]

This isn't about how you can help Wash, Wylan. Wash is a grown man whose aware of his own demons and is at least doing his best to handle them. That's why he is actively trying to make connections and care about people.

Its why he's trying to help you. He doesn't want you to believe you're a poison. Also because he almost is definitely fond of you. I think you qualify for the 'he would be adopted so fast' tier.

....okay, let's try something different. Stop trying to hide your emotions, I know what numbing feels like, that's how I deal with stress.

I think you need to think without them for a few minutes because you're did exactly what I told you not to do.

Edited 2023-08-02 02:14 (UTC)

[Wylan isn't quite sure what it is he did wrong until Donnie mentions trying to hide his emotions. He swallows wipes his face. He's truly trying to calm himself so he can return to Minnow and seem better enough for Wash to leave him alone.

He sighs and tightens his hold on his own fingers.]

I am a poison.

You are not.

[He sets down the project and he rolls over to Wylan and holds out his hands.]

Let me clear your mind. So you can think.

[It just so happens that at that moment, the phantom needle returns and Wylan shakes his head in obvious fear as he claps a hand over the side of his neck.]

No, no, don't. [And there it is again, the needle sliding beneath his skin, a foreign substance injected, and then the knowledge that he'll die in a matter of moments.] Don't. Don't.

...

[Oh, he's seen that.]

[Pivots around him, reaches into his night stand, and pulls out a length of fabric, a blue scarf, and holds it out to him.]

[Wylan shakes his head, the fear still rampant in his system as he shuts his eyes and waits for the substance to kill him. It takes a few minutes, but when the sensation passes, so does the fear and he can take in deep breathes again, his heart pounding as he re-opens his eyes to see Donnie again with the scarf.

Maybe. No. He doesn't want anything around his neck, not even to possibly hurt himself later.]

Sorry.

If you're sure. I know it helps...others.

[He lowers his hand.]

If that happens again, I'm taking away the fear and panic. I'm guessing either the PTSD is settling in, or the game consequence isn't letting you forget it.

Also.

Bold of you to call yourself a poison when you helped protect my team. Frankly very rude.

[Wylan breathes through the fear and pain and focuses himself on Donnie again. He seems to get a little disoriented every time this happens and right now he really should be getting back to Minnow after an attack like that.]

I should get back to Minnow. [ His words are a little distant, his tongue clumsy as he slowly releases his neck.] Thank you, Donnie.

If Wash lets me, can I come back tomorrow?

[Oh. Hm. Nope, he knows that feeling.]

[He wheels between Wylan and the door.]

Oh no, you sit down and you keep breathing. Do you know about the four count?

[Wylan is just about to hit the door when Donnie steps between him. Wylan steps back from the door and sits back down still trying to catch his breath. At the question, he shakes his head. He's never heard of such a thing.]

Okay.

I'm going to count to four, and for that time, I want you to breathe in. And then I'm going to count to four again, and you're going to breathe out.

Its okay if you struggle at first. I just want you to keep trying to go in that pattern. Four in, four out, until you can do it. Then keep going until I stop counting.

All right?

[Wylan follows the instructions to a T, but trying to actually slow his breathing. It takes a few of the four counts before Wylan has actually managed to slow his breathing.

Only then does he lean back in his seat and look at Donnie, now exhausted to the bone.]

[Donnie keeps up the count for a time, watching his emotions until they even out. Counts a little more. Then he tapers off.]

That is a technique to help with panic attacks. I have them too.

If you're on your own, it can help to tap something, or move your fingers since you've got four. Easier to keep it steady than in your head.

[Wylan nods weakly as he carefully starts to stand up. If he wasn't exhausted before, he most certainly is now. His shoulders are slumped as he nods again, wiping at his eyes.] I will, promise.

Do you promise?

Because you shouldn't make promises you don't intend to keep, especially to a friend, and for you to keep it, you have to live long enough to have another panic attack.

[Wylan stares firmly at Donnie for a moment or two before nodding.] I promise, Donnie. I'm only going back to Wash and he'll keep me safe.

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