The memory starts with pain. Slamming down hard into the side of a skyscraper that is floating in the sky with the messed up gravity caused by the technodrone. They were all working together and he sent them flying like it was nothing-
Mikey is behind him-
There is a shift in air pressure, and his head snaps up as panic grips his heart and he's there, the Kraang, large and imposing in the mech armor five times his size.
The glass shatters around them from the force of his movement.
Mikey is behind him.
Wall wall wall wall wall wall WALL NOW!
He gets to his feet, spinning his staff, pulling at his ninpo as fast as he can to get a barrier. He has barely a slab as the fist tears through it like tissue paper and slams into him and there is the sharp pain of something fracturing somewhere and then its all just ringing.
Static and ringing and he feels the wind, but he can't get his mental faculties together.
They're falling, he needs to-
He needs to-
He can't-
Its the ringing and static and he's weak, powerless, he needs to act, he can't think, he can't focus-
(He couldn't save them. He should have been able to.)
Suddenly there is an arm around him and the static is SHRIEKING as his nerves tell him everything is bad and horrible and its like he's dying and whywhywhywhywhy-
"Don't worry Donnie! This is not a huge! It a rescue!"
Its a rescue.
Its that phrase that starts to kick his brain into gear. His nerves are still screaming. He starts to swallow down the panic and fear because it is a rescue and its necessary and he will always do what is NECESSARY.
He needs to focus. He needs to-
To help-
They hit the ground, protected by the red energy of their eldest brother as it shatters around them, taking the impact.
"Where are we? Staten Island?" Raph asked.
"Oh, gross," Donnie said, popping up. Its a rescue. Danger situation. PRIORITIZE AND FOCUS. Calm down and do his job! Data collection calms him down. "So how would everyone rate that rescue experience? Unsatisfied? Very unsatisfied? Wished Donnie would have done it? Um hm." Oh, there goes his-
Everything.
He still feels like jelly.
God, his back hurts so much.
And now his front almost hurts just as bad. He's pretty sure that's at least a hairline fracture in his arm and he's worried about how numb his hand feels.
"Donnie," Raph starts with some exasperation. "Leo's still up there."
Donnie pushes himself up to look towards the Technodrone. Leo is still up there. Miles and miles away.
Alone.
Oh.
He should have Raph. If he had just been quicker to recover, he could have saved him and Mikey, Raph should be up there-
Donnie is pushing himself to his feet, moving over to Mikey. He needs to check if he's okay, and then he needs to figure out a way to get them back to Leo. Something fast that can carry all three of them, just needs the right configuration.
"Casey. Casey, come in." Leo's voice over the communicators.
"Sensei, I'm here. And I've got eyes on the key! Tell me when you're home free, and I'll pull the plug!" Casey replies.
Maybe they could still pull it off. Sure, the Technodrone isn't THROUGH the portal, but its halfway through. The closing of the portal would destroy the ship. As long as Leo could get the Kraang to the other side, then the plan would work well enou-
"Casey, listen to me. When i get to the other side, you close that door," Leo says moments later.
Something cold and icy dumps into Donnie's veins.
"What? Sensei, no!" Casey again.
"Casey, its the only way. He's too strong. He's not gonna stay on the other side unless I keep him there." Leo and how dare he. How dare he sound so even and calm. He can't be calm, there is no way he can be calm when he knows WHAT THAT WOULD MEAN.
"There has to be another way!" Casey insists and yes. Fight him. FIGHT HIS DUMB-DUMB BROTHER.
But even as dread and panic and anger fills Donnie, it also feels like its all moving down. Down down down into that deep void that he knows oh so well, stealing away his words, his actions, as he can only look towards Raph in horror.
"We tried everything, Case. This is the only way."
Its not, it can't be. Leo is smarter than this, he knows Leo has plans upon plans, he KNOWS there has to be SOMETHING ELSE.
"Leo, please don't do this! Leo!" Raph tries to convince him to stop and even Donnie sees how scared he is.
And Leo, ever insufferable Leo who uses humor to COPE, is laughing and making a quip. "You're one to talk, big bro. Hero moves are totally your style."
Donnie grabs his staff, pushes himself to his feet. He needs to-he needs a plan. If they can get their fast enough, they can stop Leo. They can't let Leo go through with this.
(And he knows, oh, he knows Leo is going through it, he knows every thud, cracking bone, and sinister word, because he records everything, and he will listen later because he had to know, he had to know if there was anything missing-)
"Leo, please! I can't lose you again," Casey begs over the communicators.
"Hey, future me would be real proud of you. I'm proud of you," Leo says with such calm and care because he understands, doesn't he? He understands the hell he's putting on Casey and is trying to give him what little comfort he can.
He just needs something fast enough! Why can't he think of anything fast enough? Why is everything in his arsenal too slow to cross the distance they need to?!
"Casey, close the portal now!" Leo calls over the communicator not much later and now the strain is clear in his voice. He's hurting.
"No! Let go of me!" The Kraang can be heard over the communicator and the meaty thuds that can't be good for Leo's health.
"Casey, please!" Leo begs. Begs Casey to sentence him to death.
And then
The portal suddenly diminishes, catching briefly on the edges of the ship
Before its cut in half. The sky lights up with the explosion, debris and smoke and fire raining down from the sky.
And Donnie is empty.
Its as if everything inside him has disappeared down into that void, beyond his reach. Just like Leo.
And despite it, the tears form in his eyes. He watches Mikey stumble forward.
He sees Raph look at him, pleading, looking for something.
Oh. A solution. He is the solution guy and-
There are plenty that go through his head. They could use the key to open another portal to retrieve Leo? Except they don't know the ritual for it. They could find it out. But how to keep the Kraang in? Maybe he could make his own portal? He has theories, if he dedicated time, he could do it. Or Draxum made a Twilight Realm Portal, maybe he could open one to the Prison Dimension.
Ideas are forming in Donnie's head, dozens of possibilities shuffling through his brain at lightspeed, but they all come to one unavoidable fact.
They all take time.
Time Leo does not have.
If Leo is alive in the next hour, it will be because the Kraang is using him as a stress ball, an alien who has been freed for less than two days after a thousand years in prison, and that-
That is almost as horrifying as Leo being dead.
Donnie meets Raph's gaze and he shakes his head once.
There is no solution. There is no fix. There is nothing he can do except...except...
He watches as Raph falls to his knees.
Oh. He should.
Help with that.
He moves towards Raph, staring down at him and he realizes he doesn't know what to do.
He can hear Mikey crying.
He has no fix.
He feels the tears falling, and he reaches for them. Surprised there is anything left in him to cry.
There is an aching void, a pain so deep and heavy that it fills the void, wells in his eyes to escape, only to disappear into the void again and he-
He knows.
He knows the void will never fully go away.
He has the idle thought that maybe all those twin senses jokes had some validity because how can this be normal? Was this a twin thing that made it so bad?
They saved the world.
But their world.
His world.
Will be forever broken, a yawning chasm ripped out, never again to be filled.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
The Worst Memory
Mikey is behind him-
There is a shift in air pressure, and his head snaps up as panic grips his heart and he's there, the Kraang, large and imposing in the mech armor five times his size.
The glass shatters around them from the force of his movement.
Mikey is behind him.
Wall wall wall wall wall wall WALL NOW!
He gets to his feet, spinning his staff, pulling at his ninpo as fast as he can to get a barrier. He has barely a slab as the fist tears through it like tissue paper and slams into him and there is the sharp pain of something fracturing somewhere and then its all just ringing.
Static and ringing and he feels the wind, but he can't get his mental faculties together.
They're falling, he needs to-
He needs to-
He can't-
Its the ringing and static and he's weak, powerless, he needs to act, he can't think, he can't focus-
(He couldn't save them. He should have been able to.)
Suddenly there is an arm around him and the static is SHRIEKING as his nerves tell him everything is bad and horrible and its like he's dying and whywhywhywhywhy-
"Don't worry Donnie! This is not a huge! It a rescue!"
Its a rescue.
Its that phrase that starts to kick his brain into gear. His nerves are still screaming. He starts to swallow down the panic and fear because it is a rescue and its necessary and he will always do what is NECESSARY.
He needs to focus. He needs to-
To help-
They hit the ground, protected by the red energy of their eldest brother as it shatters around them, taking the impact.
"Where are we? Staten Island?" Raph asked.
"Oh, gross," Donnie said, popping up. Its a rescue. Danger situation. PRIORITIZE AND FOCUS. Calm down and do his job! Data collection calms him down. "So how would everyone rate that rescue experience? Unsatisfied? Very unsatisfied? Wished Donnie would have done it? Um hm." Oh, there goes his-
Everything.
He still feels like jelly.
God, his back hurts so much.
And now his front almost hurts just as bad. He's pretty sure that's at least a hairline fracture in his arm and he's worried about how numb his hand feels.
"Donnie," Raph starts with some exasperation. "Leo's still up there."
Donnie pushes himself up to look towards the Technodrone. Leo is still up there. Miles and miles away.
Alone.
Oh.
He should have Raph. If he had just been quicker to recover, he could have saved him and Mikey, Raph should be up there-
Donnie is pushing himself to his feet, moving over to Mikey. He needs to check if he's okay, and then he needs to figure out a way to get them back to Leo. Something fast that can carry all three of them, just needs the right configuration.
"Casey. Casey, come in." Leo's voice over the communicators.
"Sensei, I'm here. And I've got eyes on the key! Tell me when you're home free, and I'll pull the plug!" Casey replies.
Maybe they could still pull it off. Sure, the Technodrone isn't THROUGH the portal, but its halfway through. The closing of the portal would destroy the ship. As long as Leo could get the Kraang to the other side, then the plan would work well enou-
"Casey, listen to me. When i get to the other side, you close that door," Leo says moments later.
Something cold and icy dumps into Donnie's veins.
"What? Sensei, no!" Casey again.
"Casey, its the only way. He's too strong. He's not gonna stay on the other side unless I keep him there." Leo and how dare he. How dare he sound so even and calm. He can't be calm, there is no way he can be calm when he knows WHAT THAT WOULD MEAN.
"There has to be another way!" Casey insists and yes. Fight him. FIGHT HIS DUMB-DUMB BROTHER.
But even as dread and panic and anger fills Donnie, it also feels like its all moving down. Down down down into that deep void that he knows oh so well, stealing away his words, his actions, as he can only look towards Raph in horror.
"We tried everything, Case. This is the only way."
Its not, it can't be. Leo is smarter than this, he knows Leo has plans upon plans, he KNOWS there has to be SOMETHING ELSE.
"Leo, please don't do this! Leo!" Raph tries to convince him to stop and even Donnie sees how scared he is.
And Leo, ever insufferable Leo who uses humor to COPE, is laughing and making a quip. "You're one to talk, big bro. Hero moves are totally your style."
Donnie grabs his staff, pushes himself to his feet. He needs to-he needs a plan. If they can get their fast enough, they can stop Leo. They can't let Leo go through with this.
(And he knows, oh, he knows Leo is going through it, he knows every thud, cracking bone, and sinister word, because he records everything, and he will listen later because he had to know, he had to know if there was anything missing-)
"Leo, please! I can't lose you again," Casey begs over the communicators.
"Hey, future me would be real proud of you. I'm proud of you," Leo says with such calm and care because he understands, doesn't he? He understands the hell he's putting on Casey and is trying to give him what little comfort he can.
He just needs something fast enough! Why can't he think of anything fast enough? Why is everything in his arsenal too slow to cross the distance they need to?!
"Casey, close the portal now!" Leo calls over the communicator not much later and now the strain is clear in his voice. He's hurting.
"No! Let go of me!" The Kraang can be heard over the communicator and the meaty thuds that can't be good for Leo's health.
"Casey, please!" Leo begs. Begs Casey to sentence him to death.
And then
The portal suddenly diminishes, catching briefly on the edges of the ship
Before its cut in half. The sky lights up with the explosion, debris and smoke and fire raining down from the sky.
And Donnie is empty.
Its as if everything inside him has disappeared down into that void, beyond his reach. Just like Leo.
And despite it, the tears form in his eyes. He watches Mikey stumble forward.
He sees Raph look at him, pleading, looking for something.
Oh. A solution. He is the solution guy and-
There are plenty that go through his head. They could use the key to open another portal to retrieve Leo? Except they don't know the ritual for it. They could find it out. But how to keep the Kraang in? Maybe he could make his own portal? He has theories, if he dedicated time, he could do it. Or Draxum made a Twilight Realm Portal, maybe he could open one to the Prison Dimension.
Ideas are forming in Donnie's head, dozens of possibilities shuffling through his brain at lightspeed, but they all come to one unavoidable fact.
They all take time.
Time Leo does not have.
If Leo is alive in the next hour, it will be because the Kraang is using him as a stress ball, an alien who has been freed for less than two days after a thousand years in prison, and that-
That is almost as horrifying as Leo being dead.
Donnie meets Raph's gaze and he shakes his head once.
There is no solution. There is no fix. There is nothing he can do except...except...
He watches as Raph falls to his knees.
Oh. He should.
Help with that.
He moves towards Raph, staring down at him and he realizes he doesn't know what to do.
He can hear Mikey crying.
He has no fix.
He feels the tears falling, and he reaches for them. Surprised there is anything left in him to cry.
There is an aching void, a pain so deep and heavy that it fills the void, wells in his eyes to escape, only to disappear into the void again and he-
He knows.
He knows the void will never fully go away.
He has the idle thought that maybe all those twin senses jokes had some validity because how can this be normal? Was this a twin thing that made it so bad?
They saved the world.
But their world.
His world.
Will be forever broken, a yawning chasm ripped out, never again to be filled.
It wasn't worth it.